Ep11 - "Kindness and Other Kinks" with Jon aka HiThereCatSuit

Ep11 - "Kindness and Other Kinks" with Jon aka HiThereCatSuit

This topic has been called life-changing discussing how to use kindness within scenes and how to be kind to your kinky self. Jon has been an ambassador in his communities by bringing people together to share connections and experiences. He bases success on one thing, kindness. Jon will discuss the difference between kind and nice and how that can make all the difference in the world in getting you the kind of partners and relationships you desire. Jon’s deep dive into being kind discusses power dynamics and how turning those around can make all the difference in how people see you. We talk about bringing kindness into scenes, which can be a lovely change of pace to heighten intense scenes. 

Jon aka HiThereCatsuit has been the host of the Authentically Kinky podcast since October 2020 with over 220 episodes. An avid writer on Fetlife, Jon wrote a column about men and unsolicited dick pics. The response led him to brainstorm with NookieNotes of Dating Kinky to create the podcast. 

• Fetlife.com/HiThereCatsuit
• AuthenticallyKinky.com
• X.com/HiThereCatsuit
• Instagram.com/HiThereCatsuit

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SINagogue hosts and guests are subject matter experts but not *the* expert. We believe outside of violating consent, there's no wrong way to kink except to think your way is the only way. The show is presented from a RACK (Risk-Aware Consentual Kink) point of view, not SSC (Safe Sane Consentual) because each person’s definition of safe is different based on their risk profile. Use of the word "safe" on the show fits our definition, and that doesn't have to be your definition. 

Reminder, we try to make our content as inclusive as possible regardless of gender, orientation, role in the lifestyle, etc., but we do inherently speak from our own point of view. We want to learn from our mistakes. If you feel like we said something offensive, let us know. Reach out via our website or call us at 469-269-0403.

Today’s show was brought to you in part by the letters S and M, and the Number 69. 

*San Dimas High School Football Rules*

Chapters

• 5:38 Kindness and Other Kinks
• 7:56 Impact of Kindness
• 16:14 More Than Reframing
• 24:25 Nice vs. Kind
• 33:25 The Notebook
• 50:44 Spill to Vanilla
• 57:41 Never Met A Sadist That Wasn't Kind
• 1:15:14 Final Thoughts
• 1:19:24 Inside The Kinkster's Studio

Transcript

1:14

Hosting with me today is my partner, my ADHD squirrel wrangler, my submissive, my brat, my little, my pony, or just my little pony. Aww. The Ted to my bill. Oh my gosh. Little bit. This is episode number 11, and with me today is... John aka Hi there, Cat Suit. Who will talk to us about kindness and other kinks. It is an absolute honor to be on with you all. Yay, welcome. Thank you for joining us. And I might be Jay and Silent Bob. Because that involved latex cat suits. Oh nice. Yeah, shit. Well this topic has been called life changing, as not only does it discuss how you use kindness within scenes, but also how to be kind to your kinky self. John has been an ambassador in his communities by bringing people from all over together to share connections and experiences. He bases his success on one thing, kindness. Today John will discuss the difference between kind and nice and how that can make all the difference in the world in getting you the kind of play partners and relationships you desire. Based on his TED talk, John's deep dive into being kind discusses power dynamics in society and how turning those power dynamics around can make all the difference in the way people see. From famous people to the person next door, you will be able to see how it's all the little things that make all the difference. We will also talk about bringing kindness into the scenes, which can be a very lovely change of pace in a dynamic to heightened intense scenes and to allow for breathing room. One important discussion will be the notebook scene. That is designed to help someone who is unsure of their place in the community and welcome them to a new world in a beautiful combination of words, impacts, sensations, and beauty. And every member of the lessons of pain become lessons of joy, life changing ways to be kind to yourself through dominance and submission. But first a word from our sponsor. John aka Hi there, Katsoot has been hosting the authentically kinky, formerly known as What Women and Other Wonderful Humans Want, podcast since October of 2020. With over 220 episodes and avid writer and contributor on FetLife, John wrote a column about men and their unsolicited dick picks. The response led him to brainstorm with nicky notes of dating kinky to create the podcast. As John, the host has an award winning background in broadcasting going back more than 35 years and has appeared as a talent on national networks as well as regional and local stations. He has seven Emmy Awards for his work behind the scenes and also designs all the graphic elements for the show's social media. In addition, he has been a public speaker and has even presented a TED talk about how people treat each other. In the scene, Hi there, Katsoot is a bottom who is known for their trademark spandex suits which led to their name as so many people just said Hi there, Katsoot when they would walk into a party. They are also known for the notebooks which they share with people they connect with to keep inventory of small victories. They are active in the Cincinnati area and have taught at fetish con 2023 kinky in Columbus 2024 the 2024 Grand Fetish affair Academy of fetish arts kinky college spring break in 2022 coastal Carolina fetish fair in 2022. And for TTS New York City in their test Tuesday online series in spanksgiving symposium in St. Louis in 2024 they will also be presenting at less dead studio in New York for Miss 8 of on kinkify and Dallas and at fetish con. Thank you for being here in the synagogue today Katsoot tell us about kinkking with kindness. Kindness and other kinks I'll get it right. I swear. I was about to say we finished the hour. I'm sorry for the long bio and description but I'll make up for it with some good content for you here and talking about kindness and other kinks. This class came to me about three years ago when I noticed that people within the scene had always been so kind to me and I always felt that that was a bit of a kind of the opposite thing that you would think of from a kink scene. Most the time in a kink scene you're receiving pretty intense pain and if you have a queen like mine who's a sadist they like giving you intense pain. But what's kind about that and I discovered that through some amazing opportunities that I had with a wonderful dom down in Florida who showed me that when you do things like that it is absolutely the kindest thing you can do for somebody. But the first thing that we always have to do entering the kink scene is we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. And so that's how the class started. Every time I teach the class it's a different class. I tell some of the similar stories but then I will also go off the stories that are told within the class by the participants themselves. So it's not really a lecture per se it is very much a participatory discussion about the way we feel about each other about the way we feel kink has a spot in our lives and the way that we see each other and can be more authentic in the kink world. Is that a good introduction there? I think that's a good introduction. So how does one I mean like you said kink and kindness aren't something you normally were to associate. How do you integrate kindness into an impact scene for example? I'll give you a perfect example of wonderful dawn from Dayton as a matter of fact named dreams of screams set me up on a San Andrews cross. And she said katsut I love when you take impact from me because you're always taking more and more and I'm always amazed at how you take it. And I took that as a bit of kindness complimenting me for my ability to receive pain and process it. And she said today we're going to do something a little bit different. We are going to do a scene in every time I hit you. You have to say something nice about yourself. Do you know how hard it is to think of nice things to say about yourself when you're being hit with pretty intense implements? I can only imagine. It makes you concentrate and put everything else out of your mind to come up with nice things to say about yourself. I have one intense problem which is one of the reasons I teach this class is it's very hard for me to take a compliment. I don't want to call myself cocky or I'm not because I'm not cocky. I've been receiving so many compliments throughout my life from the selfless things that I try to do for people. That every time it comes in I take it in but it kind of goes into the file storage that everything else has but it's gotten to the point where it's overflowed. It's hard for me to appreciate the specialness of it until I started going in a different direction with it. Let me get back to the actual scene though. When dreams of screams did this for me I came up with really cursory things like I look good in a cat suit. People say nice things about me. Whap. I... I... Intuit yes. I said I'm worthy of love. Whap. And this continued on for a good 35 minutes. And when you are forced to take inventory of what is good about yourself while processing the pain that is helping you get away from the rest of the world, I can't think of a kinder thing you can do for somebody. I call being in a scene especially when the connection happens with two people in a crowded dungeon like a public place base. Where I want to go is the world that exists when the rest of the world goes away when you're in it. Think about scenes that you've been in in a perhaps a convention or at a play party. The rest of the world is going crazy around you. People aren't giving you hush whispers. They're talking at the top of their lungs. And the only thing that's going on is the room is basically going, "Yes, I can beat you as much as I want to." And another person is screaming going, "Oh, fuck." And all these noises are going on, yet it's just you and the person you're playing with. And then you're going to be like, "Oh, fuck, I'm going to be in that room." And then you're going to be like, "Oh, fuck, I'm going to be in that room." Not from the impact, but from the mental focus that I had to have to block out everything around me and be able to communicate with her. That is a perfect example of using kindness within an impact scene. And it's one of my favorite scenes I've ever done and she's amazing to have done that for me. That sounds like it was a rather powerful scene. Very much so. I think I cried after it. I'm pretty sure I cried after it. I'm an emotional person. Kink brings such beautiful things to me. When somebody does a huge impact scene with me, I have been told by people that I have extreme, woo energy. And people are sometimes worried that I'm falling in love with them while we're having the scene because of this energy that I put out. And what I explain to them is the energy I put out is full of such appreciation and such disbelief that I have been lucky enough to participate in it. And such awe of how amazing it is that they're sharing their energy with me and allowing me to remember that I'm worthy of receiving such play and such attention and such connection. So when they say it feels like you're falling in love, it's because I'm falling in love with the situation that I dream of being in. And I don't get to kink so much that I ever lose that appreciation. I mean, especially here in Cincinnati where we've lost our public play spaces of places that I feel comfortable going to, it may be a month between scenes for me. And that hurts so much because I remember when I would go every week to the AFA up in Cleveland for their weekly parties. And every week I knew that it would end with Thursday night getting ready, shaving my legs, shaving my body, getting ready, getting my cat suit, Friday night preparing to go. And then Saturday night was my night to just be cat suit. I didn't have to worry about John. I could just be cat suit. And the kindness people show to me by sharing their time with me. That's kindness. That's how kindness goes into kink. I will pause so somebody else can talk. No, you're fine. You're absolutely fine. So it's not just reframing activities that are happening. It's pushing it one step beyond. It's the ability to know that the most intense DOM really wants to push your limits and it's the pushing of those limits that allow you to see yourself in a new way. And then the DOM that told me they were going to hit me 180 times for my birthday because they wanted to hit me with three different implement 60 times each as I turned 60. And stopping after 120 because all I had to say was yes, I'm ready for the other 60. And she gave me a hug and she said, I'm so proud of you, my damsel. It wasn't about getting to 180. It was about getting to the willingness of wanting more after I thought that I couldn't take anymore. And that's a kindness that I will always remember. And I'll take it one step further. Here's a woman who's been a professional DOM in atrix for many, many years. And I had captured her imagination through the podcast because she saw the service that I gave to the kink community by being able to provide a platform for people to share the stories of their authentic self. And being the guy with one hand on the microphone and the other hand down his pants. I did a podcast that respected people. What a novel concept that is. But it hadn't happened. And so here I am getting ready. I'll have my 250th episode soon. I'm starting season five in September. Okay, great. I'm going down to fetish con where I get to host the red carpet. I get to do presentations in the main room. I get to do interviews with people that most people would give their right arm just to be able to meet. And I get to have conversations with them and and even end up singing karaoke in a room full of doms one hitting me with a Luba Tonslipper in the other one hitting me with a clips for sale battle. I don't know how I got this fortunate. But I do know it comes from the fact that kindness goes with everything that I do. I have a sticker on the back of my car and a little bit in a rabbi. I will send you each one of these. It's a sticker in the in the shape of a cat's head and it says kindness is my kink. With kindness and kink and big letters. It is on the back of my car. And I work at a conservative company and I don't care. And Ryan under it is my high their cat suit sticker and I their cat my high their cat suit sticker is on my water bottle at work. And it's on my computer at work and people go, what's that? I said it's just a cute thing. That's my branding for my kindness glasses. Where do you teach those? Relationship conferences. And then people keep asking questions and I said I can't answer them while it work. You know, if you ever want to ask me outside of work, I'm more than happy to tell you. But you'd have to consent to knowing me in a way you never imagine. And they go, oh, now I really want to know. I have yet to get a negative response from anybody because they're saying, oh my god, you're doing this at your age because I'm 61. I don't, I commonly say I'm 61 going on 35. But I don't act my age ever. And because I live my life and try to live it as alive as I can and bringing that energy with other people, it's all I know how to do. And the kindness radiates from that. Now I will plainly say, and this is the heartbreaking part of it. I believe that many people think that I am absolutely too good to be true and can't possibly be the person I claim I am. Think of all the trauma that has happened in the kink and dating world. How many male presenting people have done something either violating consent or not listening or not paying respect to their partners. Now I'm sure it happens with women too, but I hear story after story about the men that do it. In the battle of the sexes, I don't cheer for my own side. It's that simple. I can relate, but people go, there's no way you can be who you are. I'm just waiting for you to do something to prove that I'm right. And a lot of times I won't get the chance. And it's heartbreaking because I want to show them there's another way, but I don't consciously want to have to do anything. I just want to be me. And so I have met people who will meet me and they won't know what to do because they're waiting for the other shoot to drop. And I don't have any shoes. I'm usually in cat suit stocking feet. Or as I did up at the Leicester studio wearing sky high platform heels, which made me 6'10" which was ridiculous. Goodness. And so what did the DOM do to take care of that? Put me in the suspension rig and pulled me off the floor. That'll do it. But you're sharing your authentic self and as an A-Fab person that having had personal bad experiences, I can understand some of the hesitancy and at the same time, the type of person that I am is always the... you want to see the best in somebody and try to find the best. And sometimes it's those previous experiences and past traumas that make you hesitant and hold just a little something back because it's hard. It's hard to have that faith or even blind faith of adding that trust like that. So I can see it from your viewpoint as well that you've learned some amazing stuff and it sounds like you have learned to create good balance of being kind and gentle with yourself. It sounds like it was a long road and that hardness and that challenge of having other people except you for where you are and who you are and all of that too. We talked in the rabbis introduction as he was reading my class description about the difference between nice and kind. I'm curious, what do you all think the difference between nice and kind is? Nice is passive, kind is active. That's good. It's nice for me at times can also equate to being polite. I can be nice to somebody, yeah, nice to somebody of just being at the same time polite and I hold different things back. Kindness, yeah I would say as an action and at the same time for me kindness is even sometimes a selfless act without you know, not always thinking the conscious thought of, oh hey this is going to be nice for somebody or kind for somebody else. This is just you know doing something sometimes intentionally most times for me it's just something that I think would not benefit myself but benefit others or less in the burden of somebody else. To me, my long drawn out explanation, no, that was great. To me, nice used to be a wonderful word. Over the last 10 years it has taken a negative connotation and that's pretty sad if you think about it. But to me, I think the definition that most people go by in interpreting the word, not the Webster's dictionary version of it but interpreting the word is, nice is what you do when you expect something back, kind is what you do because you just do it. I can say that. Now can you do kind things and accept something back? I would argue the answer to that is yes if you're expecting it, no. But if people are kind to you, for you being kind to them, I think that's nice. You always, anybody who is being kind always deserves. Thank you. I mean, I went out of my way putting my reputation on the line for a group of people earlier this year and made introductions networked, did everything that I possibly could to help them make their project a success. And I always sat back going, how come I never got to thank you? And it turned out things with sideways and I actually had one person write me saying, I will never trust anything that you say about other people ever again because we got burned so badly this time. Now, did, did I ever intend to burn anybody? No. I saw people for how they had treated me and it didn't go well. And so to have that person say to me that they felt that way broke my heart because they were a good friend. And then they took it one step further, which made me a feel a little bit better and be made me realize where we're going to. They said, it's not just you, we will never accept the word of another. Oh, and that made me realize, wow, people don't trust anymore because they've been burned so many times. Now we're getting to the point where we don't trust. I will always treat people based on the way that they have treated me. If you've treated me with respect, I will absolutely treat you with respect. If you've disrespected me, then I will just move forward and not consider you anymore. I won't freeze you out. If you say hi to me, I'll say hello to you. But I carry with me the sadness that happened when you did something that negatively affected me. I spent nearly a year trying to "clean up my reputation after a group of what I would call militant people reported a legit consent violations against me and the operators of a convention saying I shouldn't be allowed to teach anywhere." Here was the consent violation. I walked into a party and a conversation was going on. And two people were talking about their tits and how shiny they were. Didn't know who they were. I just walked in the party. And I was wearing my cat suit and I was like, "Yeah, these are really soft. If you ever have an opportunity to feel how soft they are, that's great." And I walked into the party. The consent violation was I was demanding that they touch me without even introducing myself. Wow, that's a stretch. And they said, "And we have reported it to the NCSF." Well, the funny thing was I described that to Susan Wright when she was on my podcast, who's the voice of the NCSF, and she wouldn't be getting me. So, fast forward, I'm teaching at Kinky and Columbus. And I teach my class. I want to say it was about 110 people drove through the snow to play, but also attended my class. And afterwards, there was a line all the way to the back of people waiting to talk to me or sign my notebook. And in that was the organizer of this convention that I was told I wasn't fit to be a teacher for. I said, "You got to see my class." She goes, "Yes, I did." I said, "Do you see why I wanted to teach it?" She goes, "Absolutely." I said, "I'm sorry. I'll never be able to teach it there because I don't feel like I'm ever trusted since your education person took the words of somebody and didn't investigate it enough to realize that I truly did." And she went, "It's our loss." I went, "I wish you the best of luck in your event." A lot of my friends attend, and I hope they have a really good time. And thank you for being here because I wanted a little closure on this to let you know that I am who I say I am. And she went, "This has been perfect. Thank you." I approached that entire thing without resentment. I approached it with kindness. And that irked so many people who said that I have toxic positivity and toxic kindness. And I'm like, "What?" So my personal mantra is make a positive difference every day. And the reason I have to use the word "dam" is you have to work at it. Nobody's gonna give it to you. I realize that I sound like an evangelist or somebody who just keeps on talking because so many different things come through my mind. I hope this has been inspirational to your listeners and that you all are going, "Oh my God, this is an hour of a guy rambling." Because I genuinely want to answer more of your questions about the class and about things. So please ask another one. Well, you know, I was definitely one of those people who thought you couldn't be who you say you were when I only knew you by reputation and not in person. The first time I met you, I was definitely struck, "Yes, this is a person who is exactly who they say they are." So, yeah, count me among those people in the positive way. I hope. Thank you. So you mentioned the notebooks. Let's talk about those a little bit. I'm curious about those. So the notebook scene is something that I've talked about on many occasions and it is... I'm not gonna call it the centerpiece of my class but it is the one thing that everybody seems to resonate with. But telling you is it like, "Go read it in the book, I'm not gonna do that." I did a scene at Winter Wickedness where a friend of mine who was one of my four female roommates for Winter Wickedness. That'll kind of tell you how some people who know me go, "Yeah, it's just John, he can room with us." I did a scene where one of the people there didn't think that they were comfortable getting to play again. They had just gone through a very bad breakup with their power dynamic. They had gained about 80 pounds. They didn't feel like they looked good in lingerie. They didn't know what it would feel like to be in the middle of a ballroom dungeon with everybody looking at them. Realizing not everybody was looking at them but when you feel like you're not what you're supposed to be, you do have the cognitive distortion that everybody's watching me. I had gone up on a road trip with a dumb friend of mine and I said, "I really wanna do something for Chloe." She readily allows me to use her name. I said, "I really wanna do something for Chloe because she doesn't feel like she belongs there, but I'd really like to do something that is special." My friend who is a Dom Lee Dom A said, "I've got it, I'll be in charge.""Come, come, come, here we go." I said, "Here's what I'd like to do. I basically want you to do an impact scene just as you normally do it, but I wanna interrupt the scene with your consent." She goes, "Go on." Well, I'm gonna take you into the scene. The scene is one of the big ballrooms at Winter Wickedness, probably about 800 people around the conference. It was Winter Wickedness in Cope where the most beautiful things in Ohio for so many years. She walks in wearing lingerie, very nervous, and I happen to be there when she got there. I said, "You ready for your scene?" She goes, "I don't know." I said, "Cloey, relax. Just have fun." I said, "Chances are you gonna be blindfolded anyway. Just have fun." So she goes for her scene and her top ties her hands out to the side rather than up, but to the side and puts a blindfold on her. And starts an impact scene, starts warming up with a flogger and then getting into other things. And then she hits Chloe really hard and I walk up and interrupt the scene. By whispering into Chloe's ear, "You have never been more beautiful than you are right now." And I stepped back. And the scene continues, and what Chloe didn't know is that I had gathered all of her friends to watch the scene. And one by one, we stepped up. And we said to her things like, "This is exactly where you belong. Don't ever doubt that." The past is the past, relish in the present, little reminders of who she really was rather than who she thought she was. And at the end of the scene, as you can imagine, she's pretty emotional because a little bit like that scene I described from dreams of screams, this was other people telling her good things about her. And she had to accept it because they were coming from people who saw her rather than her looking in a mirror. We knew what she was like. So after the scene, they removed her blindfold and all of her friends were now standing in front of her. And of course she starts crying. And her top takes her hands down and I am standing in front of the group holding a small notebook. And I handed to her and I said, "This is to remind you who you really are." And when she opened it up, we had written each of the things that we had said to her during the scene. And I said, "This is for those days when you think you're less than, when you don't deserve anything, when you're seeing yourself in the negative light that you sometimes do, or when you're just having a shitty day." So now when I meet somebody that I connect with, I give them a notebook. And in the notebook is one of my business cards. And it, on the back of my business card is actually written this, the notebook. The Catsuit notebook is given to people that I've developed a connection with in life. It can be a chance meeting or a long time relationship. When I give you a notebook it shows that I care about you. Whether you have shared space with me in play, in class, in social situations, or just a simple conversation, I appreciate you coming into my life. The purpose of this book is to take inventory of your small victories, compliments, good things, and other things that bring you joy. When you're having a bad day, I want you to go back and read it to yourself. And remember the positive difference you are making in others' lives just by being who you are. Be well and always be good to yourself, John aka Hi there, Catsuit. This is the last count and this is totally a guesstimate, but it's based on the orders that I've made. I've given out over 300 notebooks. Wow. Everybody who comes to my class, and most of them are inscribed in personally, everyone who comes to my class when I teach it gets a notebook. I want them to be able to remember who they authentically are and who they truly are. Now I mentioned a little bit earlier about my notebook when I said people were lined up to write in my notebook. Friend of mine gave me this beautiful Batgirl Purple notebook because Batgirl Purple is my kink color with Hi there Cat suit on the front. And originally we were going to, I think we were going to have a dynamic or some sort of relationship and she had written in the front of it, this is to chronicle all of our shenanigans. And then she wasn't in my life anymore. She had issues that she was having to deal with, but I had this notebook that had no shenanigans to chronicle. So I decided that I was going to have people write in my notebook that I would never write in it, that other people would write in it. So after a scene, part of the aftercare was I would hand my top the notebook and have them write something in it about what they just went through. And then it became when I met people at a conference just to write something that I can remember them by. And then I started doing it for my classes and that is when as my friend professor, professor Gray would say the emotional massacism began. And then I realized that I was doing it because at fetish con I read the comments and I was so torn up because I saw in myself what I was doing for others. And when you realize that, and yes I am tearing up. And the difference you've made in people's lives, so when I call the, when I call the class life changing, it's not a marketing term. And I have had two people that have written me follow up emails from the class. And they've both told me that before they took the class, they had been pondering suicide and they saw themselves in a different way and feel and they both felt like they could carry on. There's nothing more powerful than that for somebody who teaches a class. And I don't say it to brag, but I say it because we don't see each other in kindness so much. We always look at our faults. I mean, no less than Disney, the Disney Corporation established the fact that it takes 16 compliments to get over one negative thought. And if we don't see those compliments, or if we don't remind ourselves of them, we're always mired in the negative. Yeah. I have to teach myself that every day and remind myself of that every day, which is why I'm so damn passionate about teaching this class. Which is why when I approach convention organizers, I say I have a request if you decide you want me to teach this class. I want you to schedule two sections of it. Wanted at the beginning of your program and wanted the end. Because I have so many people exiting this class saying I know somebody that needs this class and I want those people who need it to have the opportunity to take it. So that's what the folks at fetish con have done this, this upcoming August is I'll be teaching it early in the conference and be teaching it is one of the last classes in the conference so people can have an opportunity to take it. Plus if they have a class they really want to attend and can't attend mine, they have two opportunities to take it. That is fantastic. I'm very passionate about this darn thing. There's nothing wrong with that for sure. Yeah, and so for you all to give me the opportunity to talk about it, I am honored about it. Be rabbi, I know the good that you do in your teaching and you're so successful at doing it. I wish I could be half as successful as you are. But I'm still learning. I was actually asked to come out to Dallas to teach it in late July on a program that I'm actually on with Simone Justice, which I can't believe. Because of you who don't know Simone Justice is basically royalty when it comes to the pro nom world. She's been around for the longest time. And she's the one that everybody else looks up to and to be able to be in the same room with her teaching this class is mind blowing to me. And first of all, thank you for your kind words. But I mean, I have to return the favor to you. One of my joys in doing this podcast is to have people on who inspire me, who I look up to, who have touched me in some way. And when I took this class several years ago from you, I didn't know what to expect, but it definitely touched me then. And I can see on little bit space hearing your story has affected her as well. A little bit glassy-eyed. And that's a good thing. But as I was hearing the notebook story again, I realized you had inspired me in a way that I didn't quite realize when I was doing it. I was working with some clients professionally doing couples counseling. They were kinky. They had some relationship issues where the one partner was jealous of the other partner because they got bruises from a third partner and said some things that were insulting. And one of the things I suggested to them to help work through it because the one partner was like, I don't want to play with him anymore. I don't trust him to leave marks. I don't all this. He said mean things to me as they started to re-engage into play. Okay, let's leave marks on the one partner, but not bruises. Let's make these marks with sharpies. Let's make these marks affirmations. So now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely subconsciously inspired by hearing that from you. So, you know, you touch people like me and I can turn past them on the others and I think that's one of the most powerful things about teaching your class, any class in this crazy world. And the people that have asked me to teach, I mean when father Michael and Ashley asked me to teach up at kick and Columbus and it turned out it was a massive snow storm that day. And I'm like, of course it is because they had actually moved it from January to February because they got a national speaker. They said, you know my movement, I said, no problem at all. And then of course it's snow, and I'm like, really? Really? But seeing the faces in that crowd, I taught a class for 12 people at Les Ded studio in Pekipsi with Miss A Devon. And to see the emotions coming out of that class, to see and to give you an idea, I talked about emotional massacres and Ada hasn't sent me sent me the notebook because when I teach classes that are very emotionally charged, I will sometimes have people hold on to the notebook and send it to me. So I don't open it up on the airplane and start becoming a blubbering idiot because I will. So I'm looking forward to getting it back and hope it gets back here before I go to Dallas because I'm going to need it. Definitely. Very fair. So kindness in the scene, how does that then play into Vanilla wife? I say that there are different ways that we look at ourselves. I, for me, if I had my brothers, I would be Katso 24/7 365. Now, some people would immediately go, of course he wants to stay in the King World 24/7 365. We all want to. But being Katsoot has a little bit to do with my gender fluidity. I do use he, him, they them pronouns because I've had 60 or 59 years of using he, him, and it's hard to break the habit quite frankly. But when I wake up in the morning, I literally look at two drawers of underwear. I look at the one that has boxers in it and go, am I John today? Or I look at the one that have more feminine panties and I go, where am I Katsoot today? Every single morning. John is one that seems to have to is a little bit more assertive. John is worried about getting things done. John is worried, John is a take charge kind of person. Because there's more testosterone, although I swear I don't have any. But there's more testosterone and dare I say manly stuff that goes into that. When I'm Katsoot, I'm uber empathetic. I want everyone to be able to understand each other. I want to be seen as someone who is gentle and is not 6'4" and weighs 260 pounds. Part of the thing about being Katsoot in person wearing my Katsoot is my Katsoot makes me smaller, even if I'm wearing 6" heels. It makes me less intimidating. John is intimidating. Katsoot just wants to be amongst everyone else and not thought of as anybody bigger or anybody more special or anybody that has any stroke whatsoever. Katsoot is just one of you. I have that decision every single morning when I wake up and I came out as gender fluid. When I did, there was such backlash on FET life from a certain part of the community that I had to remove my posts because I was literally going through panic attacks of they don't see me. They don't see me. There's no way they can see me. Why can't they see me? Why can't I be accepted when others ask for acceptance? Why am I being rejected? And I had to go a long time doing self-examination until I realized I wasn't the problem. That is how I felt. It was a group of people who decided that they wanted to put their views on me and mark me with them until one day I decided just to take a shower and wipe all of that off of me and know that I truly was the person who wrote that article. I think you all have inspired me to repost that article actually because even though I can have all the appearance of a guy, my mind has always been androgynous. Nearly every therapist I've ever worked with says, "Jarn, you have this most androgynous mind. I've been told that I'm the gayest thinking straight man people have ever met. I get compliments like that all the time because I'm gentle. I'm not six foot four in my mind. I'm just a little puppy who wants to play." And ironically, I don't do puppy play. How would a cat suit do puppy play anyway? But I'm rambling again. Bring me back to center. Sorry, not to deviate from what you were talking about. It's just something that came up early on and also at the same time. Thank you very much for being vulnerable and sharing with us and all of our listeners. That's always something that I know that I treasure and I know that many others who listen and also treasure as well. So I want to thank you for that. You're welcome and vulnerability is a superpower. Don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise. I will definitely remember that because there are days. I'm telling you. So one of the things that kind of came to the forefront of my mind when you've talked about like, you know, tops being kind or domes and domes being kind to their bottoms are submissive is,"What do you have to say to folks who are like, 'I'm a hardcore sadist, I can't do kindness in the middle of the same?' How do you respond to that? Are you giving of yourself to the person that you're topping? Interesting. Okay. What you were giving to the bottom of gift? Now you get something out of that gift. I'll call it the bowling ball routine where I'm going to give you a bowling ball. I can use it but you may not use it but that's a little bit of that for say this. They're getting what they want out of it and many times the sub is seeking that kind of getting lost. And I have yet to meet a sadist that wasn't kind. Oh, they hate hearing that. So I will give you a perfect example. I think that it can be argued that Satanatrix or Lady Vi who is a well-known dom, somewhat infamous for something that happened in New Orleans but she was kind enough to talk to me about it on the podcast. Maybe the most sadistic person I have ever met, haven't met, but you know, talk to. Yes. I mean, you're talking someone who wants to be the devil when it comes to kink. Doesn't care how you feel, but she does. Doesn't care what you can or cannot take, but she does. One of the most genuine, sweet, very lovable women I have ever had an opportunity to talk to. And here's how I know it. When she was on my podcast, she talked about the lack of a better term, mis-happened New Orleans. I'm not going to go into it. You can listen to the podcast if you want to. That's fair. And she talked, we talked more about herself. I love saying that authentically kinky the podcast. First of all, we changed the name to authentically kinky because that's exactly what it's about. And when I talked to her, she told me why she is who she is. And that's actually how we market our podcast now. We ask questions about why they are who they are. And when you hear her story, it makes a lot of sense. Well, she sent me a note and she said, "Catsuit, I just wanted you to know my mom listened to the podcast. And for the first time in my life, she totally understood what I did and why I do it." Wow. And I heard this vulnerability from her. You're not pulling vulnerability on me, are you? But I have yet to meet any dominatrix. And I've talked to dozens of them, or dare I say hundreds of them, that is not the kindest, sweetest person, because they know what they have as much as they want to use the humiliation stuff and call people losers. And the ones who I believe are truly into the art of domination. Do so because they realize they're giving the greatest gift of all. What somebody seeks to be able to give themselves to another person. I've dreamed about that since I first got into this. I don't think I could ever be a 24/7/365 slave. That's not me. But I do know that if ever I found somebody who found me to be a good sub for them, that they would know that I would be hopelessly devoted to them in a way that even they couldn't have imagined. I always tell the story going back to winter wickedness about a male dom who was beating the ever living hell out of somebody. And when the scene was over, he turned around and he goes, "I'll get you some water, and I'm literally standing there with two large glasses of ice cold water." And he said, "How did you know?" I said, "Because you want to make sure she's okay and I want to make sure you're okay." What? What? Somebody called it anticipatory service, but I call it just doing what's right? Sure. A little bit thanks for sharing what you did. I'm genuinely hoping that we can all get together and have wonderful conversations, and I can get you your notebook too. That would be wonderful. Do you get feedback of people saying kindness has no place in kink or just not knowing what to do with kindness in kink? I haven't gotten that. There's a couple stories I like to tell about the class. Number one, I have all sorts of catchphrases that I use for the class. It's the class you have no idea why you're taking it until you actually take it and you went, "Oh my god, this was absolutely the class I needed to take." That's one description I use. The other one is the one I used on my recent advertisement for fetish con. I put it in as a review at the bottom. It says, "Join the host, Heither, Catsuit for their inspirational class, kindness and other kinks here at fet con." I have a review underneath. One of the best classes I attended was put on by Heither, Catsuit called Kindness and Other Kinks. I won't give any spoilers, but "Oh my god, attended if you get the chance." Rabbi, you've taken my class. There is no way to really describe it other than if you want to know who you are, come on in here. You'll know exactly who you are. Yeah, I didn't know what to expect going in, but it definitely grabbed me in the heart. That's for sure. And not something I was expecting at a kink convention. And that's what I love so much about it is the unexpected joy that people have coming out of it. I was able to see that at the Grand Fetish affair this year when I taught it in the classroom and couldn't arrange to have a second section of it. So I said, "I'm going to set up in the social area in the corner, anybody who wants to have a second session or couldn't make the first one come join us." And there were about maybe 30 people who set up their chairs and then suddenly people walked by and went, "Oh, I've got to stop. I've got to listen to this." And I think we had about 50 or 60 people at the time we finished. And it's because they see the emotions in other people. The story I'll tell about that particular class is the wonderful people at kinkstermerch.com. Yes, I just did a plug. They make amazing t-shirts and other novelties that have kink sayings on them. And they actually make all the merch for my podcast because you can get a t-shirt that says, "I am authentically kinky." Isn't that the perfect thing to wear at a kink convention? But I had some made that says, "Kindness is my kink." And I decided I was going to give them to the people whose story moved me the most. I think that's a pretty cool thing to do. And I presented it at the end of the class telling everybody why that story meant the most to me. Here was the story of the woman who got the t-shirt for that class. She's a dame out of Detroit. And she never, she said, "She was never able to see herself as kind." Because she didn't think she acknowledged the needs and the wants of her subs that much. But after taking the class, she understood that that kindness did live in her. And that she could allow people to see her with kindness rather than intimidation. Where she could actually see it happening. And I gave her the t-shirt and this domulus of Dom A's totally broke down in tears. Because we spend so much time considering ourselves the way other people tell us to consider ourselves. And if there's a true magic of kindness and other kinks, it allows ourselves to finally see ourselves in a way that is uniquely ours, that is not determined by the outside world, or not even determined by how we look in a mirror. It's determined by the ability to see ourselves in a specific moment in time and remember how it felt to be in that moment. And to hold on to those moments. That's the magic of that class. That's why I'm so passionate about teaching it. That's why I wish I had an unlimited budget to go out and teach it everywhere. And it's so difficult, as you know, we can have the greatest class in the world, but we're still going to pay our own way to go. And that's difficult because we are passionate, we are giving. If I'm going to go somewhere, I at least I want to know I'm going to play. And I've gone to places to teach and not know if I'm going to play. And that's another hour if you ever wanted to talk about what it's like going, hoping to play and not getting to play, and what that can do to somebody. Oh, I know that one. Hope is an evil bitch. I actually wrote something today and I'm going to pull it off that life and mention it because I think it's very true. And as I said, this can be a whole other podcast. Hope can be a tricky thing. It sets you up and you work hard not to allow it to let you down. You might not have any control of it, but when it's put out there and you think of all the things that can go right, you forget that they might not go at all for no reason whatsoever. I still believe in hope and one will learn to trust it again. That was my writing on FET today. I like it. That's the way I'm feeling because I've had many people who said, oh yes, I'd love to do this. I'd love to do this. And I'll go, okay, let's set up a time and then I don't hear back from them. And oh, is that heartbreaking? Not all the time is it any fault of the person who made the hope happen. Sometimes things happen. I know people have gotten really sick and they haven't been able to do it and I go, I totally understand that. But when that hope is out there, you're like, oh, I'm so close. And then it goes so far away. The other thing that I do want to mention from FET life is the start of, and by the way, you can find me on FET life at Hythir Katzut. You can find me on Instagram at Hythir Katzut. It's pretty easy to find me. But on my FET life, these are the first words of my profile. And Rabbi, I think that you will be able to identify with this a lot. It says, love each other always. When they hurt you or disappoint you or make you feel less, I'll be there. When you think you can't go on as your heart is in pieces, I'll be there. When they don't understand you and you don't understand them, I'll be there. This is my lot in life. I am the one that is there. And when you need me, you'll know where to find me. You definitely have a way with words. Thank you. Absolutely. That's what I want people to see. Yes, people like me do exist. A lot of times they've been beaten into the corner and told they're not enough or told they're not worthy or told that they're just, they don't live up to what everybody else sees. But we know in our hearts that we love with kindness. We live with kindness. We want you to have your best day. We're envious of all the amazing things you get to do, but it does not mean we want to take it from you. It just means that we'd like to experience something like you have. Not with your sacrifice, but with our joy. And so many times in this competitive world that we live in, it's about beating somebody else. It's about making sure that they know that they're less than you. It's about having to prove that you're something when an actuality not having to prove anything is the greatest thing over them all. And I say often, and I say it very loudly, true leaders are never the ones that identify themselves as leaders. Think about people who say, I'm the leader of this group or I'm the leader of this community or I'm the leader of this particular organization. The chances are they want to be seen as that, but the people who don't say a lot and just help everyone and do for others and show the right way. There's your leaders, my friend. Those are your leaders. Absolutely. So before we get to the end of the show, before we transition into the part of the show that we like to call inside the Kinkster studio, is there anything else you would like to add about kindness and kink? Is this the pivo questionnaire? Oh yeah, I love that. Is there anything else I want to talk about? I will say that I would love for you to subscribe, rate, and review. I'd love for you all to check out my podcast. It's called "Authonically Kinky." You can find it. Just Google "Authonically Kinky." And I think we're the first thing that comes up. That's what's called "Choose a Good Title." We are at authenticallykinky.com. You can have links of how you can listen to it. We're available on Apple Spotify and all those wonderful places. We'll be doing a series of in-person interviews at fetishcon. I have a series of in-person interviews on our YouTube channel, which is @authenticallykinkypodcast on YouTube. I released two last week, which were both in-person interviews at two different dungeons. One was the less dead studio, where I had just an absolute fun. Full of elation time with Miss Aida von, when you see how the podcast ends, you'll know exactly why I say what I do. Let's put it this way. She turned the lights out and just walked out. The one that I did with Mistress Riley, and this was the second in-person interview I'd done with her. I think I was in subspace the entire interview. And it's because she put me in a place where I was in such awe of her energy. I know it's not professional to drop into subspace while doing an interview. But she allowed me to see a side of her that was totally vulnerable, and she brought out a side of me that was totally vulnerable. I cried through at least 10 minutes of the podcast. I'd love to share that with you all, because I think you will see that in the way I do interviews, it's about our shared experience through getting to interview personalities in the kink and fetish world. And there's questions that I will ask that you would probably ask if you had a DOM sitting there that you wanted to talk to. I'm very proud of it. I have, I like to thank clips for sale for being a sponsor of it. That doesn't mean I make massive amounts of money off of it. It means that they pay my expenses. I still have to pay for all my classes. So if anybody wants to support my efforts, go to bit.ly/thankscatsuit. Pretty simple. And so I do have a fundraising link there. I can't remember the last time anybody donated to it. But if you want me to, if you want to help me be able to teach these classes in places, I appreciate it. I don't ever expect anything, but everything is appreciated. And that's about all I got. Back to you Jim. I just want to add in there for our listeners just because you heard him talk about this topic on the podcast doesn't mean you shouldn't go take the class in person. It's a different experience. It's definitely moving. Okay, so moving on to inside the kinkster studio. Usually I say this is the part of the show where we get to know you better. I think we got to know you pretty good. So we'll just say this is the part of the show where we get to know you in a much more lighthearted banner. So I have to know do you have a pile of index cards stacked in front of you? No, I have a laminated piece of paper. So my first question is you earlier identified as a damsel. I have not heard that outside of an age play context. And I don't think that's what you mean. What does that mean to you? A damsel means that I like to be captured that the more I'm put under peril and restraint, the happier I am. It is quite literally take me away and make me your prisoner and remind me of it every moment. And connect with me in ways that I know I'll never be able to escape. It's that beautiful feeling of being captured and knowing that the person with you is enjoying every minute of it. Very nice. So my question is what's something that people would be surprised to know about you? Well, I can actually I'm more than happy saying this. I was a television personality for 35 years and amongst the people I have interviewed one on one includes Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Michael Jordan. Wow. Dean Smith wasn't one on one, but it was an interview that I conducted. I got to go to two NBA All Star games, one NBA finals, two NHL All Star games, a World Series. What am I leaving out? Didn't get to go to a Stanley Cup, unfortunately. Didn't get to go to Super Bowl. Major League Baseball All Star games. I got to cover those and get paid for it. Wow. So I was a sportscaster for 35 years and if people wonder why the podcast started, it was because I missed interviewing people. I genuinely missed finding out what makes people tick because when I would do interviews with athletes, I wouldn't ask questions about what was it like to score the winning shot in that game. My typical question would be when did you fall in love with a game of basketball and when did you want to marry it? Because the answer to that question is so much more intriguing that what did it feel like to make that winning shot? I wanted to do my podcast, my first five, which is I guess my version of what I do from it's not inside the actor studio, but I'm sure somebody's done it. I asked five questions about first and I asked you to go back to things like first time you ever knew you were kinky. First magazine you ever bought that had that had kink in it and they're never the same questions twice. If they all come off the top of my head, I have no notes for my podcast. People always laugh. I said, I got your bio in front of me, but I have no idea what I'm going to ask you. And then an hour later they go, wow, you, that was a really good interview. And I said, yep, I had no idea what I was going to do when I start and apparently I got through good stuff. Thank you very much. So I missed interviewing and getting the opportunity to be able to do interviews with people I admire have looked up to sometimes a fanboy too, but even if I'm a fanboy, I always maintain my professionalism. I'll tell you a quick story. You didn't ask me to tell it, but I'm going to tell anyway. I got to go and I'm name dropping here totally name dropping. I got to go to the house of Jim Weathers of bondage cafe, one of the best rigors in the world. And there was Christina Carter and Randy Moore, two of the most famous fetish models in the world. Their partners were there and then a guy by the name of Dominic Wolf, who was a rigor for harmony back in their days. I went to dinner there and I walked in because I'd met them before and they were all really nice people, but I still felt like I was considered kind of a fanboy going in there. Skylar West was also there who was actually it set up the whole thing. And by the time I left, I felt like I was friends. And I wasn't thinking about how great it is that I'm with all these amazing people. It was how great it was that I had a wonderful three hour conversation with people that I genuinely love being around. And that's when I knew there was a change. And that's why I'm so happy to go home to fetish con where I get to see all these people that I love so very, very much. And see them as friends, not as oh my god, you turned me on so much because the funny thing is I told to Christina Carter on her second every show. Christina, you're lovely. You have a wonderful figure. I really like the outfits that you wear a lot more than you think I might. And quite frankly, I don't get turned on by the side of you. I get turned on by wanting to be you. And she went really. Yep. That's bringing back the damsel. Got it. All right, my next question is your captured by a mad scientist who decides. Thank you. Who decides that your belly button is now going to dispense one condiment. What condiment do you want and why? Wow. Never been asked that one before, right? Nope. Nope. Well, see, I would normally go with my favorite condiment, which would be thousand island dressing. However, I think I would be of more use if I'm going to cheat on this question. I would be of more use is if it dispense Loub. I mean, I suppose Loub is a condiment. There's some other flavor. But if it had to be, well, God, you're going to get me on another story here. Oh, God. The first, the first seven times I ever had an orgasm, have stuff I've never heard before for 400 Alex. For seven times I ever had an orgasm. I was watching Batman 66. And either cat woman or Batgirl were on there or Batman was tied up. I didn't know what an orgasm was. And I'm going, why in the hell is Mucas coming out of my penis? Oh, goodness. So the idea of Loub coming out of my belly button, not so strange. Because I literally did not know what was happening to me. Oh, goodness. And by the time I knew what was happening to me, I had already been, been imprinted with a love of cat suits and a love of bondage. And I was really young and I didn't know what else to think. So I've never had what I would call a normal sex life. It's always been, if you could wear a cat suit, it would be so much better. But that's also been very difficult because I've never had a normal sex life. Normal is a relative time. Normal is what we think it is. But I spent so many years trying to figure out why I wasn't normal only to find out that normal was what I was on along. Fair. What's your biggest pet peeve in Kink? People who want to be the center of attention in a public play party. Consciously. I ran across a few of those in my life. I mentioned the dumbliest dumb being in the corner, say, you know, I'm going to take you know. Women who will scream going, why the fuck did you hit me with that in the middle of a public scene when there's about five or six other scenes going on? I realize that emotion happens. But when it's made to so everybody goes, please look at me. I'm getting beaten. Me. That would be me that's being beaten. Yeah, me. Meanwhile, I'm over in the corner just trying to have my lovely little sensation play. I think my dream of having and I've had a few private scenes, but not many, but oh my God, the difference when you don't have the noise around you is so amazing. And you fall so much deeper. Maybe one day. So last question. All right. My favorite question to ask. Last question from you. I have. Yeah, it was going to say last question from me. My favorite question to ask. What is your favorite swear word? Farvick Nugan. You know, that's one of those swear words that I say under my breath all the time. I don't think anybody's ever heard me say it, but I know I think it all the time. I have never heard it come out your mouth. There is a game that I like to play if I'm having fun with Dom A's called the F game. And it's basically trying to get me to say the word you want me to say as my favorite cuss word. But every other F will come out. Fred Flintstone, frack, Felder, carb, fudge, football. And if they can get me to that space, if they can get me to that space, they want nice. So my last question for you. I'm changing it up a bit. Yes. You now get professional wrestling style entrance music every time you enter the dungeon. What is your entrance music song? Well, see, me being who I am, I'd be going with Peter Gabriel's in your eyes, but that is not a pro wrestling song. I mean, it could be. But I'm sure entrance music, that's your entrance music. No, I think if it's a we're talking a pro wrestling song. It doesn't need to be a pro wrestling song, but I'm going to give you a pro wrestling song. Glorious. Robert Rudian. Yes. Probably the best entrance song ever other than I'm talking about Barry Windham. American males. American. Oh, my God. You're taking me back to the pro wrestling days. Yeah, I had issues with buff bag. Well, I also worked with him. Oh, goodness. When he was the handsome stranger, giving roses to all the women at ringside. That was before is Andy Sideris movies. Have you ever seen the warrior in whatever it's called? Oh, my God. Yes, yes, I've seen that. He's got the stuff. I think in your eyes would be my entrance song because it is emotional. It is the way I feel and it's how I want to be seen in your eyes. That defines who I am. I wish I sing karaoke often. I wish I could sing that song very well. But that would be my entrance music with number a very close second being who you are by Jesse J. Cool. We'll just put John Qsack off to the side with a boom box. He'll have to dodge the pyro. It's time to play the game! And on that note, I think we should probably wrap up before we digress too far. But thank you very much for coming on the show. I'm going to say yes. Thank you so very much for sharing all of this. This has been very eye opening and very -- you were very vulnerable with sharing a lot of different things. And it was very much appreciated, at least on my end, as somebody who hasn't gotten to know you well. I believe we've only met in passing. But yes, thank you so very much. It has been my absolute honor being on here. I genuinely hope anyone who made it through this entire thing in Bi-Golly, God love you. Or if you don't believe in God, I love you. That's even better. Thank you so much for the honor of being here. And I really appreciate being able to be given a platform to inspire people. If I inspired you, please reach out. I love hearing from people. I love sharing stories. I love having connections. I mean, I have a very good connection in Germany. We've never met, but she listened to one of my podcasts. And she said, "You speak the language that I've been trying to discover." And I said, "Was it English?" And that one, I'm totally kidding when I say that. But I love communicating with people, so please don't hesitate to reach out. Well, for our listeners, upcoming synagogue classes, both in-person and virtual, we have class on Leave Your Mark, which is Gwasha, Porcupine Quills, and Cell Popping, Electro Play, Body Drumming, coming up, details on that are on our web site. Please check that out, but that is it. That is our show. Say goodnight, little bit. Goodnight, little bit.[end][BLANK_AUDIO]