Ep14 - "Aging and Becoming an Elder In The Lifestyle" with Griot Onyx

Ep14 - "Aging and Becoming an Elder In The Lifestyle" with Griot Onyx

We talk today about aging in the kink community and becoming an elder, and what exactly that all means.  

Griot Onyx is an Associate member of ONYX Great Lakes, Program Committee Chair with Cincinnati Black Pride, Freelance writer with The Buckeye Flame, owner of racxposure Photography, co-host of Cincinnati Black Pride’s Podcast, Owner/Producer of Tri-State Leather, Pup, and Rubber, Mr. Ohio Valley Regional Leather Pride 2009, Founding Member and Former President of Scorpius of Southwest Ohio (Cincinnati), former Diversity Consultant with the Cincinnati Police Training Academy, and former programmer for Alternating Currents, a queer radio program.

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SINagogue hosts and guests are subject matter experts but not *the* expert. We believe outside of violating consent, there's no wrong way to kink except to think your way is the only way. The show is presented from a RACK (Risk-Aware Consentual Kink) point of view, not SSC (Safe Sane Consentual) because each person’s definition of safe is different based on their risk profile. Use of the word "safe" on the show fits our definition, and that doesn't have to be your definition. 

Reminder, we try to make our content as inclusive as possible regardless of gender, orientation, role in the lifestyle, etc., but we do inherently speak from our own point of view. We want to learn from our mistakes. If you feel like we said something offensive, let us know. Reach out via our website or call us at 469-269-0403.

Today’s show was brought to you in part by the letters S and M, and the Number 69. 

*San Dimas High School Football Rules*

Chapters

• 1:53 Introduction
• 3:49 How long have you been in the lifestyle?
• 7:23 Ch-ch-changes
• 16:14 Define Elder
• 25:00 Challenges of Aging
• 37:26 Ageism
• 54:02 At Peace
• 55:46 What Do You Know Now?
• 1:01:52 Oooooh That Smell
• 1:09:56 Final Thoughts
• 1:15:00 Inside The Kinkster's Studio

Transcript

1:14

Hosting with me today is my partner, my ADHD squirrel Wrangler, my submissive, my brat, my little, my pony, or just my little pony. The star ski to my hutch, little bit. Hello, everyone! This is episode number three, and with us today is Mr. Scass to talk about us, to talk to us about the topic of red flags in Kink. Red flags are those examples of behavior that really serve as a warning sign for future issues, and enough red flags mean you should run the other way. But how do you identify troublesome behaviors, characteristics, and others before you start to suffer harm? While still being open to connection, what are some of the common red flags in Kink BDSM? How do I know who to trust? What are some of my own personal red flags? How do I identify risk and walk away? But first, a word from our sponsor.*Screams* Mr. Scass is an intersectional scientist, practitioner, educator, love, pleasure guide, and mental health clinician who lives with her partners and dogs in San Antonio, Texas. She started her career as a public health scientist and is now a mental health professional and sex therapist dedicated to helping people understand themselves and others. She is also a fat, disabled, mixed race, crazy, queer, leather master who has been active in Kink and Polymore, polyamory, her whole life. She offers various training and workshops on mental health, relationship health, consent, and sexual wellness. She offers mental health counseling/sex therapy via her maiden name at Respark Therapy. Thank you for being here in the synagogue, Mr. Scass. Tell us about red flags in Kink. Welcome. Thank you for having me here today to talk about this. I think it's a great topic to introduce risk management, harm reduction, all those kind of fun to us topics in Kink in a way that's a little more perchable. Red flags are, like you said in the introduction, those things that are a warning sign, right? Those things that are troublesome, you know, there could be things like orange flags where they're just not quite as bright red glaring as a red flag, but you know enough yellow flags, enough orange flags, add up and you need to pay attention. That was very true. So, red flags, like overall, a lot of different cultures and overall society has some red flags they agree on. Things like, you know, sexual assault, that's a big red flag. A forceful isolation, like extreme jealousy, emotional abuse, thick of blaming, those things most people in most cultures would agree, those you could take as red flags, that for some like dating violence, concerns, or you know, just crappy relationship concerns. Sure. And in Pazaea, like the extreme, egregious stuff, like there's a lot more nuance sometimes in sex-positive spheres, especially kick-spears. So, I was curious, like what do you guys identify as some of your like, blaring red flags in day to day Kink community, like what's some of your examples? Oh, you can go first, dear. Oh, gee, thanks, honey. I know, no pressure. I'm like, he puts me on the spot in order to answer first so that way he can come up with a better answer. I'm sure. You know, some of the red flags that I've come across have been at least in the Kink community of somebody who pushes past your limits, persons who may say that they don't have any limits, and they're like, no, no, truly, I really don't. And they're really flipping about it, or even flipping about use of safe words. Those have been some notorious red flags that I've come across and things like that, including just in my personal circle of knowing people and such. I'm trying to think of one of the other ones that just recently came out and it just slipped my mind. I do apologize. Well, we have time to get back. Yes, of course. I mean, one of my biggest red flags, whether it's somebody I'm going to play with or just interact within the community, is if they think there's only one way to do a thing. There are lots of ways to do lots of things. Your way is not the only way. So if they're saying there's only one way to do quills, I'm like, no, I know of at least two. And while this one doesn't fit in my risk profile, it is still a valid way. I'm just not going to do it that way. Sure. Another big red flag, not for a play partner, but for somebody in the community. And I see this on Facebook groups, especially people who just, here's all my knowledge about said topic. Nobody asked for it, but I'm going to share it for no good reason. And then I'm going to sign my name and date it at the bottom. Oh, it just comes totally across as growing for me. Fair. I call that like one to the arm. Yes, yes. We do too. Anyone who thinks they have the one true way of how to do a thing or that they're better than the zillion other ways and styles of doing a thing. Yeah, that's a different flag for you. Yeah, even when the information they're giving out is on point, the fact that nobody asked for it, and you're just out there pontificating about it for no good reason that, yeah, that sends off the red flag for me. Well, and those are common examples, the ones that you a little bit mentioned because I hear those when talking this conversation topic in cake circles all the time. That, you know, there's no consideration for a variety of experiences and different like risk profiles and limits and things like that. People just not taking things seriously, not taking their consent process seriously. And a lot of these different red flags kind of come back to the, they're assigned that people just don't align with our values. What's important to us. So I like to think of red flags is something that should be unique to each individual that they kind of go through the process of identifying their values, you know, that kind of important thing. Values like, is it important to me that the other person be better at the end of the day we play together than worse is it important to me that I have a good attunement with this person in play and have a really awesome fun time with them. And it is important to me that no one gets STIs or you know, a staff skin infection. These different things are very important to me per se. But someone disregarding, you know, maybe skin hygiene, for example. That might be their according to their value system. They like maybe their kink is a little risk more risk than I would have become trouble with. Sure. Maybe. And you know, for another person that's not going to be a red flag, but I know for me that's going to be a red flag that we are probably not going to align for a play ship. And you know, that consent practice thing and the negotiation process thing and that one true DOM thing, a lot of it is this individuality. Sure. Aspect. Another big, I don't even know if I'd call it a red flag, but it's pretty darn close. When I'm negotiating a scene with somebody, I don't fully trust them until I hear a no from them somehow. So until I hear that no, I would say there is still a at least yellow flag up that I'm waiting to take down. Yeah, I find a strong no in the early negotiation process to be a green flag. Like that is something that is good sign to me if someone is healthy in their now, they can advocate for their know. And it's a continuation of the negotiation and it's a way a continuation of building a connection with the person, not just a like flat no like giving you information, not how to attune with them more like no, I really don't like this because XYZ thing. I'm like, that's hard. So do you believe there are any universal red flags in the community? I think maybe not having any active consent process, like no negotiation process, no consent practice or philosophy that you use to guide your play. If there's none of that, that might be a universal red flag. There's a lot of diversity in that how it can look like, but it's it got to be there in some degree, I think. There are some other ones that are little less, I think. And it goes into the general assumptions or bad practice idea. People are assuming sex and kink or BDSM go hand in hand. That's more commonly a red flag in certain circles. That assumption that, you know, if you got to do kinky sexy things, it's going to include actual intercourse sex and, you know, that's dangerous assumption because not everyone combines those things. True. We have the conversation of what was it, you know, BDSM and kink can be sexy, not necessarily always include like, you know, intercourse. Yeah, I'm a big fan of like sensual kink. Like I use a lot of erotic sensual energy, but I'm not touching anyone's bits most of the time. And, you know, we might be thinking very sexy and maybe even acting a little sexual, but I very rarely, unless it's my steady partner's mix, sex and kink. And a lot of people are like that. So how does one go about identifying their personal red flags? I mean, I'm sure they come up all the time in the moment, but ahead of negotiation ahead of the scene, how do you decide what those are? So it starts with that values kind of identification thing, I think. You know, identifying your risk level, your risk profile for your different types of kink play, what you want to get out of your kink play, is it connection? Is it an orgasm? Is it, you know, some pretty marks? Those kinds of things. And then taking that value and assigning a flag of sorts to it, you know, maybe for your personal taste, when you're bottom, you have to play to marks every time. Like you need deep bruises when you get esfaking. That's like your value. You love bruises. Your red flag would probably be someone who says, you know, I'm really soft when it comes to sadism and I don't like to go too hard. That might be a red flag for someone who's like, oh, I need bruises all the time. And, you know, so it's going to be a little different for every person, but it's also important to like recognize what's the difference between a red flag and a trigger too. You know, a trigger is something usually associated with, you know, your past trauma or baggage that reminds you emotionally intensely of that trauma or baggage and kind of pulls you out of the moment. That's something like can be inconspicuous though. That could be like, you know, your trigger is beards. Like someone in your life, your parent, your ex-partner had beards and you now are triggered by beards. That's not necessarily a red flag because it doesn't necessarily align with your values of like, you know, oh, I want deep bruises, but the beard, that's a red flag. No, no, no, that's a trigger that is not connected to red flags. So when someone throws off a red flag to you, what's the best way to handle it? Usually the first step is to remind yourself that there's not necessarily something wrong with the person who threw the red flag is just that you might not be the right match, the right connection. You might not get along in a play or even friend way. Recognizing that, you know, you can then allow yourself to not be so attached to you being better than this other person because like they tripped your red flag system. You know, people are going to have different risk profiles. And while as in my personal book, as long as they're taking their risk profiles seriously, it's not going to necessarily make me super concerned for someone playing with them. If a universal red flag is tripped like they don't have any consent practice, then I might, you know, see the newbie playing with them and be like, hey, have you done, have you, have you talked? Have you, have you discussed what, what, what you're trying to get out of this moment? Especially if I was like, you know, the DM or leader in that situation. I was going to say, I had the experience where a personal red flag was tripped and, you know, just in conversation as you're bringing it up. I'm like, oh, hey, yeah, this is definitely a personal thing where somebody wanted to play with me. I'm like, hey, you're in conversation with them. I asked, you know, hey, you're interested in doing this thing and I'm interested in doing this thing and potentially with you. And in conversation, it came up that they've never had any type of like education through the community, through, you know, anything. I'm just going to randomly use the supplement, have no idea how to really use it or wield it safely. I'm pretty sure I can do it because I am an alpha DOM and naturally dominant. I'm like, hmm, yep, nope. I'm like, you know, my conversation with them ended up being take some more classes, actually take a class and, you know, then take another couple of classes. And then we might, you know, talk again. You know, once we've had some more conversation of what did you get out of it and what did you learn, especially the risks from using the implement and such like that. And they had no interest. And so, you know, my conversation with them was, okay, then we're not going to play. You know, it was, they were disappointed. I was disappointed, however, at the same time, at the end of the day, you know, I felt more comfortable, confident, safe that, you know, I made a good decision for myself. You know, which is vastly important for those of us, you know, who are willing to take the risk to play with different people, especially identifying as to, hey, where's this, where's this red flag or orange flag or, you know, limit that you're, you know, kind of hidden. I mean, I'd also add to that, I think, outside of pet and primal play, anybody who describes themselves as an alpha, that should be a red flag. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for a lot of us it is. Yeah, there's a lot of nuance in, especially the experience like flags is very understandable. If you are very experienced, to want to be with other people who have some sort of experience level, that is, you know, not beginner. And vice versa, if you're a beginner, you sometimes will either want a fellow beginner or someone who's very experienced and can teach you. And, you know, either or any of those is fine. Experience levels, you know, very naturally. And that's okay. But not realizing that you are inexperienced. And that belittling, the wisdom that comes with experience and education, that is more of a red flag to me personally. Like, I might play with someone who is more new or less experienced. If they seem to take things seriously, sure. If they seem to like, okay, we're going to fully negotiate this thing and I'm going to like talk and think about it and like take breaks to really chew on this topic. Then like for me, that, that seriousness level kind of acts enough as a green flag to overtake the inexperienced red flag for me or more of a yellow flag, I guess for me. I would, and so that's common one. Sure. I would say that, you know, on that same vein, you know, I'm, it kudos to those of us who are willing to work with or not work with, I should say, but play with, you know, somebody who's, you know, less experienced or even new to the community. And you as a more experienced person are like, okay, let's sit down. Tell me what you know. What have you learned? You know, at least give me some, some basics of what, what do you, you know, what have you got so far? Or even if it's a, hey, I haven't had the opportunity. This is my very first play party, my very first con. I'm still, you know, taking all the glasses. And, you know, all right. Well, I have somebody who's willing to be a bottom and I'm willing to coach you as a top to at least start to walk you through some of the safe aspects of things. I mean, you know, that stuff is amazing. And, you know, having that person who's new, sit down and, okay, let me really take that in that changes that red flag to, you know, more of a caution. As you say, like a yellow to even, you know, closer towards that green of, all right, you're, you know, you're really focusing on, on things. And part of like evaluating all this for yourself, like, yes, do it in advance. LEAST OF GOING TO YOU, THE DUNGEN, OF GOING TO THE CON, like evaluate what's going to be your red flags. But I've also, like, really light for people to identify what I've been calling their carnival flags, too. And that -- how I define it is carnival flags are the things that are red flags, you know the red flags, you know they're bad for you, they don't align with your values but you go for it every single time.[Laughter] That thing that, like, is just like, "Ooh, shiny, I know that's terrible, bad boys, but like, I'm gonna go for it." There's a quote I have in my office from Bojack Horseman that says something to the effect of when you wear rose-colored glasses every -- or every red flag is just a flag. Yeah, that's a good way of like, with your, like, hungry, horny, like, distracted, everything is gonna, like, be like, "Ooh, give me, give me, like, take care of yourself, too, before you're going into situations where you have to evaluate, you know, if someone aligns with you in the moment, like, if you're going to a dungeon." And I'm like, "Okay, am I going to go for the first person that walks up to me because I'm just so horny and, like, ready to connect?" Or am I gonna, like, maybe rub one out before I go and, like, have a snack? So have you personally ever had a carnival flag experience that you'd be comfortable sharing with us? And -- Uh, yes, so everyone has a type, right, or a few types. My type -- or one of my types is something I've come to call a Rio Grande Valley girl. Okay. I'm -- I'm from South Texas, and so that is, you know, a South Texas, or Mexican girl that is eldest daughter, trauma.[Laughter] Um, and, you know, that meaning they are -- they have a lot of being forced to grow up very young, and forced to, like, take care of other people, and for the betterment of their siblings or their parents, or whatever, that's their flavor of baggage. I tend to go for that. Um, and if it's combined with an experience, that's a carnival flag I need to, like, not, like, engage with, but sometimes I get pulled in. Like, it's a happy shiny thing to me, and to see, you know, someone who struggled with life like that, and finally, like, coming out into the king's scene, embracing themselves and their authenticity and their sexuality, like, it's so empowering and beautiful to see, and then I have to be like, "respect, respect, respect from over here."[Laughter] You're pretty, over here, by -- [Laughter] Where's that 10-foot pole that I need it right now? [Laughter] Essentially, especially when it's combined with that, like, inexperience, so, like, if you have two yellow flags, um, or a slight carnival flag mixed with a red flag of, like, an experience, then it's like, "Oh, two plus two equals danger, danger."[Laughter] Yeah. Do you guys have any red carnival flags? Oh.[Laughter] Not anymore. [Laughter] You've worked on it. Yeah, I've worked on it.[Laughter] Oh, I'm trying to think. I'm sure I do, but right off the top of my head, uh,[Laughter] Probably not for the king to be -- Something to think about -- Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. Well, it's also important to think about, like, the green flags, too, the good stuff, right? Like, it's not just about identifying the negatives, the things that are concerning. You need to know, identify the good stuff. So, what are some of your green flags? Some of my green flags? I need passion. So, someone who is especially intellectually passionate, like, they have thirst for knowledge, the thirst for understanding for something. They really like to chew on a subject and understand it fully. That is so attractive to me, but, like, of course, I'm surrounded by nerds, like, it's just the nerd green flag to me. Yes. You feel that one, too? Yeah, I like having, you know, like, finding those folks that I can have the deep intellectual conversations with, um, granted, it isn't necessarily always waxing, philosophical, or anything like that, but, you know, it hits on where I fall on intellectual conversation level type of thing. You know, that is, that's one of those, like, oh, hey, I found, like, a really good happy place and I can, you know, chill and relax and very much, you know, just more of a safe space in that aspect. When I'm able to have that, and then it, you know, hits all really good buttons for me, too. So, yeah. I've noticed the, at least in kink, we're all attracted to nerds and passionate, like, intellectually, like, they're thirsty people. It's a common one. Yeah. Yeah. Another one that I find is, like, if someone has long standing friendships, that's a green flag for me. I don't need you to see having, like, long, years-long, romantic relationships, like, maybe that's just not your style. And it won't be our style, if we're together, but at the same point, if you don't have any longstanding friendships, I'm gonna be like, have you, like, ran people off? Like, what's up here? When did you get out of jail? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And even then, like, you could have had some pen pals come on. Okay. Right? What are some green flags for you, Rabbi? Honestly, willing to admit faults, deficiencies, what not? I think that goes hand in hand with the ability to say no to me. You know, people will lie to make themselves look better. They won't lie to make themselves look bad. Typically. So I know I'm getting all the flaws and all, then I know I'm getting the truth. That's a big one for me. I'm not as picky as most with who I play with. So I don't have a whole lot of red flags as long as I'm getting the truth, I can adapt because I like to play with people's brains. So, you know, the level experience doesn't matter so much to me. Yeah. Well, and that reminds me of one of my other green flags, sort of, at the opposite end of the spectrum, it becomes the red flag of things like self-confidence. So if someone is one of those people that says, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry all the time. I will take that as a red flag for my personal play because I know my own baggage, my own issues would get hella activated by, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And like I would feel like I am being their therapist a lot of time. I mean, I don't want that in my personal relationship, please. So I want to see a green flag of, they have some self-sufficiency, they have some self-confidence, they have a little bit of pride, not too much pride, but enough to like get them through a negotiation and represent themselves a lot. What can help you turn a red flag into a green flag or make the red flag go away, however you want to put that for you? I think it is a little bit of a time thing and a little bit of a evolution thing. If you're noticing that someone who seems like a really good person is tripping some red flags and you're like, okay, I don't want these red flags, I want to get over them. I want to like push through them. Then you might have to go back to re-evaluating why is that a red flag for you? Things like, okay, my red flag of, you know, we talked about an alpha-dome kind of person, like maybe I meet someone who is really awesome and they just happen to use that descriptor alpha-dome. I probe, like, and I ask about like the weird cultural memes associated with some of that BS with alpha-dongs and they don't like take the bait. Then I can, you know, that's the data of retrieval part of like morphing my value with that red flag to match up to the person that's in front of me realizing that, like, oh, they might not actually be what concerns of me about an alpha-dome quote unquote is just they found a word that they kind of liked. You know, and that might be like the case for many other types of kink labels. A lot of people like they'll find a little's or brats especially are a red flag for them, you know, they can't handle brats or they they think it's some people will say like, bradding non-consensuals in a way and all that stuff. They might be a red flag for them, but then they get to know someone who identifies as a brat who is not mean and then they can learn like, oh, they like this label for a different reason than what I was thinking of for it. And that's like that language is a universal translator sort of thing of values and green flags, red flags is like we all might have different labels and philosophies and it's important to kind of interpret that for the person like if they say they're a brat it might not be the type of brats that led you to having that as a red flag in the first place. It might be totally different. It might just be fun playful energy and not, you know, meany pants. So one of those that's definitely important to have a conversation is too, okay. This looks like a red flag kind of acts like a red flag, but let me at least just kind of probe and have a conversation to see is this truly a red flag or is this just vocabulary differences. It's also important to recognize that humans evolutionary is wise we are super good at finding negative traits first. Oh yeah absolutely. We are always going to like find the red flags and what makes us feel ect out before we generally see the positive. And so it is important to kind of hold on to your red flags especially with a new person until you get more information to either confirm or deny that gut instinct. Especially when it comes to people who are like neurodivergent, like they might give off what you think of as a red flag and it's not necessarily misalignment with your values is just maybe misalignment with communication. Yeah I'm thinking of one of the few times I had somebody throw off a red flag and I turned down doing a scene with them. I did it politely. I said you know I already have too many scenes going on. But somebody else I had seen going on with at this weekend long event brought them up in conversation. I said what's up with them because what they were saying just wasn't sitting right with me. I couldn't put my finger on what it was but you know they said they had decades of experience in the lifestyle but they didn't seem to have any clue what they were doing. What's going on with that? And this other person basically I was vetting them without intending to do it said oh yeah they were married for 30 years but they were completely monogamous in their play so they probably haven't negotiated a scene before. I went oh okay that makes sense and then I went back and said hey guess what I have an opening which I really did and you know we had a great scene after that but I you know I just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know what question to ask to make it go away. But yeah that was one of my big times working through a red flag and you know I had a great scene loved it still talking about it to this day. Yeah well and the red flags and green flags these are just our gut instincts and you don't always want to give into your gut instinct right away right? You need to take that data into account but also bring in the data collection of the rational mind and allow yourselves to kind of gather all the pieces before you judge someone as you know not attuned with your needs, wants, values or not. Sure. So what has been your biggest failure, your biggest mistake in kink and what have you learned from it? I think some of the mistake is not necessarily the right word but more of a like maybe a blemish on my experiences that you know maybe it could have made them better is as I formed my own kink group like a social group in my area and as I started teaching I kind of took on a little bit too much of the pedestal of like expert pedestal like I have to you know be perfect to protect my flock I have to be perfect to educate I have to be perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect and you don't you really don't and that's going to burn you out. If you're trying to be like a leader or educator in kink or any sex positive space part of sex positivity is being authentic and being human and knowing that you're not going to be perfect all times and making you know plans for that. And not assuming you have to do it all alone too like it's okay to ask for a lot of help and that's honestly a good thing. So like asking for more help with community efforts incorporating more people more say more diverse opinions I think that would have probably been like what it made a lot of things easier if I learned that earlier. Fair so what makes you different from other leaders in your space? Um I definitely take that authenticity stance from like sex positive culture uh into my kink spaces and it means my kink spaces that I host or hold are a lot more queer a lot more diverse in relationships, genders my my circles tend to be I think I we counted the other day a third of our circle was like gender diverse at one point and it was like oh this is very different than some of the other uh spaces um and I just I love that diversity um it I think having that diversity of experience and thought and expression uh makes like a lot of fun and you really can get some like uh good new tips and tricks on how to do that new kink thing you're learning about and also just like some really dope memes save them better. So what's one thing now that you wish you knew at the beginning of your kink journey? hmm it would have been nice to know a lot of the different like book knowledge things like that would have been nice to do a little more book knowledge but at the same time I value a lot of the mistakes I made um I value those as lessons so I wouldn't necessarily change anything per say um maybe I just would have uh upped the consideration factor perfects um like I'm going to give myself space to chew on an idea or chew on a planning a scene or chew on identifying a new play partner uh test and not you know weak set of time length of time to just make a decision on things but instead of just being a super super impulsive right away with any sort of decision just giving myself time to consider my own consent instead of just be excited um because there were definitely some things I said yes to earlier on that uh maybe would have been more appropriate and then we would have been able to negotiate something that would have been more mutually satisfying. So we're only three episodes deep and that's something that has come up in every episode so far. How does a new person avoid doing that? Uh I'm not sure you can. Um like one of my favorite sayings is it's totally okay and and might possibly happen where you're going to find your boundaries by running into them and breaking your nose um in the best thing to avoid an intense mistake is to take it slow. Don't put off practicing kink or playing in kink altogether but you know get the babyest flogger first and and like it's so small that like no matter how hard you throw it it's not gonna hurt someone and then you learn from there like oh using this the handle like this feels good and like hitting the falls like this doesn't feel good and but because it is an implement that cannot exude a lot of force you couldn't necessarily make a huge like injury mistake mistake you know the first time out of the gate. Sure. I mean you know I guess practice but take it slow. I mean you could if you literally threw it like across the room at somebody. Yeah but that's that's not how you use floggers well I guess you could could you know diversity of anything. That's where my 80-d brain went when you said throw a flogger for some reason. I mean you could doesn't necessarily mean you should. Yeah like uh if you're gonna throw a flogger across the room um warn the person and try to have good aim. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. So what is your secret origin story into kink? Um I have been kinky since I was a little babe. I grew up in New York City and not to say that like I was exposed to kink. I was just around a lot of open sex neutrality or sex positivity. Sex negativity was just not a thing in what I grew up around. So like expressions of sexuality were not like a bad thing to me growing up and my origin was started with like the fantasy play I would do with myself as a child you know in sometime in the elementary school age range I was like fantasizing about interrogation play. And thinking about you know that stuff and then at some points I had a six-foot tall teddy bear um he was a great bottom. Um and that was like the six-foot tall teddy bear was my origin. It was a very very complicit bottom to start with. I'm glad he wasn't topping you at least so. Yeah like I guess I should have been possible but that would have been required more tools and rigging and things. I mean there are a lot of bears in kink but we're not talking that type of bear. No no no stuff that animals. Okay what is your favorite toy in your toy bag? So floggers in general I love floggers so much. Any type of flogger whether it is a lampskin, leather flogger, kangaroo, buffalo leather. I love my chain flogger. My chain floggers I have a few of them like those are very near and dear to me because I just love metal that's one of my things but my absolute favorite is probably a buffalo-hide galley whip. Because it a galley whip is like a flogger it just has like a longer floppy handle. And these big heavy buffalo leather falls so you really get it go in fast because it has a long handle and a long fall but you have this heavy bump of the buffalo hide and the snap ability of like the floppy handle of like a whip mixed with flog and like all those together. I love it. And I'm guessing the name galley whip comes from the fact it was used on ships to whip people to whip the boats or whatever. Yep I don't know if it's true or not but I've heard that it was like the favorite of like pirate kitchen people on the boats like the people who ran the kitchen on the galley so they would like use the whip to like get people away from their kitchen. I think that's false but I love that story. That's an awesome story. I like the view of that. Like get away from my kitchen. Oh sorry I had to look them up just to because I was like oh I had I've never heard of them but then I'm looking at the pictures going oh I've seen these before these are fabulous. Yeah definitely my favorite especially like my mind the handle is a a paracord braided handle with a buckshot in the handle so it's a little heavier. Yeah very nice. My favorite toy in my toy bag actually is a teddy bear so I thought you would appreciate that. I have beat the stuffing out of it. I replaced it with construction foam. I pegged it with a wooden dowel and now it's a fairly fatty paddle but it looks like a stuffed teddy bear and it is such a mind-fuck. I love the mind-fuck. That's great. Yeah one of my I do like mind-fuck so a lot. One of my play partners said you know it's such a mind-fuck you know you just hit me with it but as it's coming back at me I still expect it to be soft. Well and that's another reason my I don't always take my full toy bag with me and if I'm like doing a like limited play sort of thing where I'm like I don't have a scene plan but I want to bring one toy with me it might not be a vlogger it might be my hairbrush because I can like brush the bottom's hair and then spank them and then scratch them with it and then brush their hair again and be super sweet and then and they're like oh oh I love it oh uh my favorite question to ask people in little bit steals this to use when she's judging leather contests sometimes if you had to have sex with one muppet which muppet would it be and why? so I probably would like say like soft limit to most muppets because I'm not actually a big puppet fan in general but if I had to choose probably miss piggy uh like I like the idea like she she comes across is like like like bratty and like strong willed and everything but like me as mr.'s cast I would look to like don't know. Yeah can't answer. Like oh you big so you big tough now you big soft. What is your biggest pet peeve in kink? It's probably that one food arm thing that we kind of mentioned earlier. I extend that specifically to uh leather community so I identify as leather and I love leather culture and I worked hard to become a leather master but a lot of the time the traditions within leather world come across as a little too much of the one true way thing to me um and so I get a little peeved to put it that way uh when people say well this is tradition don't question it or this is tradition just do it and and that just that hurts that hurts like I want people to be authentic and find their authentic true versions of their kink and if using that almost a premises like wording around tradition is just oppressive to me. So what appeals to you about the leather community as opposed to the regular kink community? um well for me it started out as like simply a materials fetish it started out that way um leather leather is hot. Yeah leather is hot. Yeah um and and I had I noticed I had a little bit of a spiritual attachment to leather as a substance too um I grew up in the New York City area like I said and leather briefcases like power briefcases were such a like thing in New York City business that I just kind of got attached to leather I think in that way like the power that I'd exude or I leather briefcase in in those suited hands um and that's where it started um but then I saw the seriousness for which people found leather to be good for their their values and the general values within leather appeal to me and the traditions going far far far back all the way to like pre-romant times um as I researched all that really did appeal to me like the the spiritual aspect of it uh became more and more important to me and you know a little bit of that uh structure too like the power structures are hot uh to me anyway. I mean I would agree leather is hot but that's why I don't want to wear it because I like to stay cool. Oh yeah I have a hard time wearing my cover because I get too sweaty. I mean you laugh at that like it's a joke but it's not. Oh no I know this because I I'm sitting here thinking of like you know the folks that I mean granted don't get me wrong you know I'm a leather woman myself and you know I will wear leather all year round however in summertime I'm usually like hate moderation because it's hot out um so I always love the folks that you know it's pride and they're coming out in full full uh full high cow uh leather so you know talked about the bottom and I'm sitting here going man how in the world have you not like passed out because I know damn well that shit doesn't breathe um at least not well you look great but you know you're gonna look great passed out on the pavement here soon if you uh you know aren't taking care of yourself and everything like that so no that's why I'm laughing at the fat picture like no no I like to stay cool yeah yeah no no that's the rest of us the first time you talked me to the local leather bar I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and you're like oh my god you were trying to wear crocs that night too and I was like nope we have to draw the line yeah I'm like shorts and t-shirt cool crocs no you're like but it's summertime and I'm a tattel and but they're comfy no dude no I get that they're ugly as soon but they're easy to put on and I am just lazy like that at least you admit it well Mikey if you think about it like some parts of leather will be way open to just bare skin as you're as you're hide um so you know the be cool yes you don't necessarily have to wear the leather to be leather this is true well as we begin to wrap up is there any other question that you wish I had asked you whether it's about the red flags whether about yourself um I'm more curious on the different things that y'all think would be important to include in the conversation at red flags as I discuss this topic going forward like is there something um a better example that came to mind that you forgot about this a earlier or you know a um subtopic that like has been something you feel is missing from this conversation for other types um I mean I think you turn it around on it yeah I'm supposed to be answering asking the questions what the hell man um I think just you know emphasizing that there is not a you know universal red flag other than ignoring consent that everybody's red flags are going to be a little different yeah there are things that are going to be red flags for a majority of people um but there's certainly no universal um well now it's going to say I like the I like the conversation piece of you know just because it is your personal red flag does not necessarily indicate that it is a community red flag and those are vastly different and sometimes those red flags for you personally could be carnival flags that are oh shiny sparkly red stay away from them um and some of them are red flags that give you the initial pause but to continue on a conversation to you know dig further as to is this truly a red flag or is this well this should actually be a yellow flag in my you know in my personal you know repertoire of flags um or is this no no this is truly actually a green flag masquerading as a red flag because of the initial presentation um you know I like having that conversation and you know and it filtering from just a wide benchmark of what's a red flag is a red flag is always a red flag well no not really um you know we live in gray we live in the wings where things depend right yes and and I mean and that's not to say that sometimes green flags can't move to being red flags or you know more orange flags of okay you know this started off as a green but in probing deeper no this is actually becoming a different color and it's not a good color at least for me personally but then again you know should something change either you know either a mistake happens or something it becomes a red flag and then all right we come back to the table have conversation and oh we've learned and this person's learned and this person has grown and evolved and I've grown and evolved and we come back to the table is it still orange or red or has this moved back to yellow or green um and I think that's that's something vastly important you know to recognize and to be aware of um on on both sides you know for an individual personally versus you know what they might be taking in from somebody else or what somebody else might be taking in for them um and an understanding that we are all going to give off red flags to somebody at some point in time it doesn't necessarily mean that those red flags mean were toxic it means that we've hit a boundary or a stopping point with somebody um and I think that's something important to take and and carry through to recognize and be aware of yeah on that I would definitely leave leave on then is that everyone's homework from from this episode is to think about what people would identify as a red flag in them for sure yeah like what about yourself would someone possibly see as red flag or yellow whatever um because you know we we're not all great like we we give off bad signs that are misconstrued we also give off signs of like who we truly are all the time that self-awareness of your own is an important part of this too I think that's absolutely sure oh wait one more thing I'm like because you were you were doing this almost um uh what you call it style from screen actor or not not inside the actor studio there we go what's your favorite curse word my favorite curse yes your favorite curse word oh favorite curse word um so I grew since I grew up in New York it probably is Hutzpah I can endorse that word like I was like when I was a kid I was like obsessed with knowing like different curse words in different languages if the languages that were around me growing up and so like German, Spanish, Yiddish, uh like those like realms of curse words of were fascinating to me um pace what nowadays I say a lot of fuck like fuck is just a general loved world word but uh yeah uh probably probably uh Hutzpah very nice if somebody wants to contact you if somebody wants to follow you on social media what's the best way for them to do that so I have a variety of names because like different formatting things but it's usually mistress dash dot something like that cast on youtube I am intersectional miscasts if you want to reach out to organize some training or educational work feel free to reach out to my email at boldly Cassandra Cassandra with monos@gmail.com um and or in my find me on instagram or the the fat you know I am on all those different platforms um and I love to make new connection and hear about new groups and new people out there so feel free to reach out if you have desire to learn more and I will drop the links you provided me into the show notes for everybody to find uh go with that thank you for coming on the show it's been great to talk to you about red flags in kink thank you thank you for listeners upcoming synagogue classes are listed on our website we have in-person in virtual on dollar store domination chainfisting electro play and a variety of others check out the website for details on how to attend those uh but that's it that's our show sigonite a little bit can i eat a little bit[BLANK_AUDIO]