Ep17 - "Brats and the People Who Love Them" with Rose

Ep17 - "Brats and the People Who Love Them" with Rose

One of the most controversial BDSM roles, brats can often be misunderstood within the broader scale of the community. There’s a lot to love about us, but this type of dynamic has unique struggles and challenges. We will review different approaches to brat dynamics: brat taming, brat training, and brat breaking. As we examine different methods of dominating brats, we will also explore different ways to be a brat and how best to channel your style of bratting with your Dominant style of Domination. We will also look closely at the type of negotiation and consent that helps brat play feel attainable and fun for all involved. We also brainstorm ways to play!

Rose is a mixed-race, queer, collared, polyamorous switch with a passion for all of the unique ways power can be exchanged and explored. Rose has spent the last few years participating in kink both in public and in private with their three partners in a wide range of different dynamics and styles. In vanilla life, Rose is a social work student studying the newly emerging field of culinary therapy and working in a variety of DEI-focused spaces. Rose loves any opportunity to connect with the kinky community and believes the best way to teach is by always learning. 

• Fetlife.com/HisPurpleRose

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SINagogue hosts and guests are subject matter experts but not *the* expert. We believe outside of violating consent, there's no wrong way to kink except to think your way is the only way. The show is presented from a RACK (Risk-Aware Consentual Kink) point of view, not SSC (Safe Sane Consentual) because each person’s definition of safe is different based on their risk profile. Use of the word "safe" on the show fits our definition, and that doesn't have to be your definition. 

Reminder, we try to make our content as inclusive as possible regardless of gender, orientation, role in the lifestyle, etc., but we do inherently speak from our own point of view. We want to learn from our mistakes. If you feel like we said something offensive, let us know. Reach out via our website or call us at 469-269-0403.

Today’s show was brought to you in part by the letters S and M, and the Number 69. 

*San Dimas High School Football Rules*

Chapters

• 1:50 Introductions
• 3:35 Lets Talk About Brats
• 12:17 Mistakes
• 18:26 Taming Vs Breaking Vs Training
• 28:17 Brat vs Slave
• 33:58 Criticism and Misconceptions
• 44:49 Types of Brats
• 54:49 Final Thoughts
• 56:16 Inside The Kinkster's Studio

Transcript

1:14

hosting with me today is my partner my ADHD squirrel wrangler and my submissive my brat my little my pony or just my little pony the Winnie to my Kevin little bit the Winnie to my Kevin oh wait nevermind that wasn't where I was going all right where were you going Winnie the poo but you know no there was no Kevin in Winnie the Poo I know that's how it's like wait what why is Winnie in Kevin nevermind the Wonder Years hi that this is episode number 17 and with us today is Rose to talk to us about Bratz and the people who love us one of the most controversial BDSM roles Bratz can often be misunderstood within the broader scale of the community there's a lot to love about us but this type of dynamic has unique struggles and challenges we will review different approaches to brat dynamics brat taming brat training and brat breaking as we examine different methods of dominating Bratz we will also explore different ways to be a brat and help best to channel your style of bratting with your dominance style of domination we will also look closely at the type of negotiation and consent that helps brat play feel obtainable and fun for all involved you also brainstorm some ways to play but first a word from our sponsor Rose is a mixed race queer-colored polyamorous switch with a passion for all of the unique ways power can be exchanged and explored Rose has spent the last few years participating in kink both in public and in private with their three partners in a wide range of different dynamics and styles in vanilla life Rose is a social work student studying the newly emerging field of culinary therapy and working in a variety of DEI focused spaces Rose loves any opportunity to connect with the kinky community and believes the best way to teach is by always learning thank you for being here in the synagogue Rose let's talk about Bratz yeah I'm so excited to be here guys let's do it hey welcome so let's start with the easy question other than a delicious sausage what is a brat oh goodness I say the delicious sausage thing all the time one thing I actually do is when I'm texting I capitalize brat so that people aren't confused when I'm talking about food actually so a brat is any submissive who may be described or self-identify as rebellious mischievous rule-breaking line-toeing naughty defi it is a word that gets thrown around a lot but it's any submissive that is playing from any of those angles in my experience okay and where do Bratz fit into the community thank you for asking that because as you kind of said at the beginning Bratz are kind of a controversial point of identity so I think Bratz fit in because not everyone likes someone that bends to their every word immediately it's a fun playful challenge I see the little community intersect with the brat community a lot but I think Bratz in general are people that want to play in a different way and the doms that Domas are people that want to play in a different way and be challenged and toyed around with before getting the compliance they're looking for eventually why are Bratz so controversial Bratz are typically seen as controversial because not everyone wants a sub that is playfully disobedient there is a lot of stigma I find especially in kink communities that are approaching kink from a more structured ms I see a little bit of it not always but sometimes from the leather community communities that are more structured or have expectations of what submission should look like is kind of where I see a pushback against Bratz because it's not someone that's gonna bend to your will and follow every order immediately and precisely so some people think Bratz are not submissives and that's a contentious point I think yeah they get it's a big old from me I agree I heard the phrase lack of structure a few times there is a brat a form of dynamic that lacks structure not in my experience but I know not everyone does brat play the same way I do I know that for some people a brat dynamic can have a little less structure because it's more centered around playfulness and the whims of when you're listening when you're not listening but for me when I stepped into the kink community I thought that slave was the path I wanted to go down so my brat dynamics are actually hyper structured my dominance and I talk a lot about rules versus rules quote unquote and there are things that I follow and things that I do without question but there's also a lot of opportunity for playfulness and silliness I think it depends on the dynamic but it doesn't inherently at all mean a lack of structure it just means a different structure than most people might expect from classical forms of kink so how do you create a good structure within a relationship with a brat I think negotiation I know we talk about that all the time in the kink community about negotiation and consent but for me brat play more than most types of play requires a hyper amount of negotiation and that's the other place brats get a bad rap from is some brats just poke at other people in the community that they have not negotiated with or they're seen being what people think is obnoxious in public so that's kind of another area where the bad name comes from but I think negotiation is so important because you need to know what your dominance ability to handle not listening or misbehavior is you need to know if that's going to be viewed as playful or disrespectful there's a lot of conversation to be had about what you are communicating and what you mean so my dominance know the difference between when I'm being a brat because I'm in a bad mood and I'm taking it out on them and when I'm being a brat because I'm being playful and we've worked a lot on checking when the bratiness comes out of a bad mood or a bad place like they've been huge with me about you're not gonna get what you want if your brat isn't clever if you're just being malicious let's talk about why and let's give you what you actually need here but I think negotiation has to be step one you have to know what your actual rules are before you can break them so every bratty miss is a form of mischief how do you get consent to perform mischief consent perform mischief to me looks like knowing what people's boundaries are around mischief like an example that comes to mind is switching out shampoo for lotion like putting something in their shampoo bottle that's not shampoo I have one dominant that would be okay with that and one dominant that is very protective of his long precious red hair and if I did anything to his soap he would probably not be as pleased or find it as silly so I think it's what does your partner find fun and silly to play with and what do they not and within the realm of what they find funny what are the ways you can provoke mischief there how do you make sure you are a brat and not just a jerk that is I teach a class on this topic the or brats and the people who love us and that's something I talk about because I teach that class primarily from a series of mistakes I've made as I said when I stepped into the community I thought I wanted to be a slave but I discovered brat play pretty early on and I was super fascinated by it but I was fascinated by it before I had all of the language for these negotiations and for not poking at community members that are not ready for it and I had a lot of kinky friends beyond the wrong end of my actions and that's where again that negotiation is so critical to what's appropriate and what's not and how you interact with people well and I mean also I mean it it definitely sounds like there's a fine line of you know who you might get close to that you can brat with versus you know just some random soul on the street that you try to be a brat too and they're look at you and like no you're just a jerk you know absolutely that 100% that I think I think we have a strong sense within community of like when you go to a month you don't disturb the vanilla space you're in and with brats it's kind of the same thing but you think about it even in kink space you don't want to be obtrusive to the other things happening around you and at the same time it also is most brats also seem to enjoy yes we're going to be silly and and kind of structurally unstructured with that but we want people to join in on the fun not necessarily like alienate people exactly I know a lot of brats and I'm definitely a brat that likes playing with other people when it can be playful and when it can be fun and finding like that line of who in the community that you interact with is gonna be the person that finds that funny and who in the community is going to be very serious and structured and knowing it's a lot of knowing who's around you and having those conversations with those who are around you often sure I'd love to hear that you based your brat class on all the mistakes you made there's quote from a Dory that I absolutely love it says best practices are made by those who have fucked up a lot and yes I have a class I teach on scene negotiation and it's everything I've ever screwed up in an negotiation whether it was oopsie or big screw up everything in between I love that I think there needs to be I think classes taught from that perspective are so important Devon Stone talks about us being a community of peers teaching peers and vetting your educators and the importance of just because I'm featured at a con or on a podcast does not mean I am safe or ethical it just means these producers thought I was the right fit for this so I think having more people and more educators openly own their mistakes creates a safer environment for education for everyone too and that's a really big focus of mind in that class as well so why does somebody want to be a brat I'm so glad you asked because that's one of my favorite I do a really long more dramatic structured introduction at the beginning of this class and one of the things I say in it is that um bratting allows me to requires me to be confident because if I doubt myself I can't stay ahead of the shenanigans I'm pausing and the other thing I talk about is bratting is super healthy for me because it lets me see that no matter how hard I try no matter how hard I work to do something if the other person doesn't want it to work out for me especially my dominant partner it's not gonna work and that's kind of a lesson I need to keep learning in life is that sometimes your best effort isn't gonna work for whatever reason and that's okay and kink for me has been really instrumental in hammering home some of the life lessons that life doesn't so a lot of the reasons I brat can kind of reflect in like who and how I am in vanilla life and moving through the world I I need to see that it's okay that I'm not gonna win I need to see that it's okay to be silly I need to see that I have to hold myself with confidence and that's a lot of what brat play does for me when I saw you present this class there was something you said that I wrote down it's it you said no matter what I do I'm not going to get what I want explore that yeah I think again that's just one of the important life lessons for me that I take out of it at the end of the day I am still a submissive at the end of the day I have two wonderful dominance who in different ways bend me to their will in a variety of different circumstances and it's really useful for me to see that someone else's desires wins and will can come above my no matter what I did to have the opposite happen so it's applies not just in your dynamics but out in the real world as well I definitely think so because I think I grew up a theater kid and one of the reasons that experience was so useful for me is because you prep as much as you want and as hard as you can for an audition but if you're not the right fit for the cast you're not gonna get the role and so I thought that was a lesson I had already learned but I am currently a grad school student I currently working a lot of DEI spaces and I'm still someone that judges provides passes a lot of judgment on myself when I miss out on opportunities that I think I've earned or that I think I deserve or that I think I'm the most qualified for and sometimes it's nothing you've done and I think Bratplay is a really valuable space for me to ground myself in the idea that it's nothing you've done you've done your best and also their will is still set before years the will of whatever higher power the will of fate the whims of destiny whatever you call it it's still gonna come above all of the preparation that you do what is meant for you is for you what is not is not so it's definitely something that bleeds into my vanilla life who likes to play with Bratts who likes to be in relationships with Bratts I tell my dogs a lot that they must be more mastercastic than they would admit because I think a lot of the people that want to play with Bratts are people that either want their power tested for whatever reason they want to see that they can have power and take power over something that seems less controllable or it's people that also are Bratts I talk a lot about tops who are Bratty and doms who are Bratty because especially a lot of sadistic tops I know it's definitely a thing to like poke and needle and mess with your sub so I think it's an element of that I think it's an element of who's Bratty I think it's an element of people who want to be challenged I think it's an element of sometimes people just don't know what to do whether it's because of life circumstances or style of domination or whatever they don't know what to do with someone that's gonna bend to every little thing they say and Bratts sometimes are the people that let them know that's okay because I want to poke and I want you to earn this too so I think a lot of times it's people that are proving their power to themselves and their partner for whatever reason I am definitely the Bratty daddy yes I love it yeah talk about the difference between Bratting and Brat breaking and Brat training yes so this is a premise that I found a lot when I started to research Brat play when I started to get into Brat play more I saw a lot of different words used so I wanted to know when I was designing this class what exactly it meant so one category is Brat taming or it's sometimes called Brat handling I found an article about video game development that had a quote that I loved which was tamed animals are animals that accept the presence of humans while trained animals can do commands like guard and attack so when I look at the difference between Brat taming and Brat training that's always what I think of so tamed Bratts accept the presence of humans I'm willingly letting you control me I'll allow this in the same way that like a cat allows you to pet them whereas a trained Brat is a Brat that their behaviors are corrected by commands they have some built in sometimes slave poses or certain rules like things that'll snap them out of their brattyness and their trains to follow rules and then Brat breaking I say in my class it's hot but potentially player scene ending and that is when you're trying to break your partner out of their Bratty behavior in whatever way whether it's by satism or with a certain amount of punishment and something else I talk about on this is punishment versus punishment so for me punishment is the oh I've been naughty I need a spanking and a punishment is something that is designed to provide a relational correction and I've noticed my language isn't always the same with other people around this but the language my partners and I use is that a punishment isn't meant to be fun for the DOM either a punishment is meant to be a reset for both parties about the needs of the relationship so a punishment is those sillier spankings even if they do get heavier into satism and not just spankings obviously but any of those fun little punishments and a punishment is a more serious okay we have to reset so for me Brat breaking is often a punishing thing that involves forced conformity demanded servitude and again it can be really fun to play with but you just need to know like is this going to do my partner would say psychic damage to your Brat that's definitely a fine line to know and it's different for every person what are different ways to Brad oh I love this so in the discussion portion of my class usually I ask what is a rule in your dynamic and how can we brat around it and I take suggestions from the audience to hear like what are rules and the other Brats in the class could touch on how do we brat around it so one of the examples I give is the rule of you must drink three bottles of water per day so you can start by drinking tiny bottles like using little tiny glasses to drink out of and then your dumb adds an ounce count and a requirement for that so then you start you start making tea but you don't call it tea you just say I'm adding leaves and honey to my water and then they can make a rule about not not putting any additions in your water but that opens a discussion on what can be added to my water because are you really gonna be mad at me for putting electrolytes in my water I don't think so for me it's a lot of play around the finessing of words and the finessing of language but I also know people that are more outright explicit pulling toys out of a dom's hand or hiding toys is I tell people everything I suggest is at your own risk these are things I find funny one of my favorite things is when my doms give a command that say I want you to do something once in a while if I really want to see what'll happen I just look at them and I say how does it feel to want I'm like the phrase my stepmom came to mind of people in hell what I swat her too but it doesn't mean you're gonna get what you want exactly it's a lot of for me a lot of that is just what little ways can I needle and poke and get under your skin I think there's a lot of really fun ways to brat to with other subs I love when brats get together one of my doms has another brat and we've been talking about playing a game where we'll go to a kink event together and we each have a different color of sticky note and we see who can get the most sticky notes on his back by the end of the night and we can keep tally of our points with the colors but there's a lot of really just silly fun ways to be a brat it's just interesting to see what reaction are other people having to it sometimes and when can you when can you as a community laugh about it and when is the community raising an eyebrow what you're doing completely fair I mean especially if you're doing something you know even with the sticky notes of just something public like that of you you end up with certain people is like oh what are you doing and at the same time the rest of us are like no no this is our dynamic this is okay you don't get to kink shame we're having a good time absolutely and I find that comes up a lot is what is kink shaming and what is an action you don't agree with one of my doms we have a dynamic where I am his brat but I am also his slave and we before we did any brat play in public had a ton of conversations about how that's going to be perceived especially since we are both people of color especially because he is also an educator so we had a ton of conversations oh he's also smaller than me so people already are like how can he don't you when he's smaller than you so we had a ton of conversations about like what does respect look like and mean and are people going to interpret my actions towards you as disrespect and how do you still maintain your presence and power and the respect you have in this community while I'm bratting at you and those are hard conversations to have but I think something important in this type of dynamic which isn't exactly fair because other dynamics like you said don't have to have these conversations in other dynamics it's kink shaming if you have these conversations yeah and I mean I definitely can see your point in the in the aspect of okay you know so you know just physically you're taller than he is and you know just how is it going to look especially you know with the outward labels for the general public well and I say that meaning the kink community general public not yeah for the general public of you know all right aren't they a master and slave dynamic like you know and having that and maybe it and part of me just part of me also just kind of thinks that there are some people who take certain things too seriously in the aspect of yes they might be master and slave however what works for them and fits for them to promote that is nobody's business but theirs and you know even even with that there is I am sure because even with bratting in a master slave dynamic I am sure that there is going to be for him and you either a look a phrase a touch something that reels in the bratty absino and I think people aren't mindful of something or even think about that in a lot of different aspects it's interesting that you mentioned that because we've been together my master and I have been together for seven and a half years eight years now yeah so we have a ton of built-in protocols and structures and little things like that and recently we've both started seeing other partners we've been poly for our whole relationship but in the last year our polycule has really expanded and shifted and we started to need to have those conversations with other partners and that was the first time we'd really sat down and written out every single protocol we do and it's a huge document and neither of us had realized like the level of complexity and structure and thought that we put into it so I absolutely understand like from a broader community perspective how much people aren't seeing because sometimes I don't even think about it's just habit and instinct at this point so I don't expect the community at large to understand but there is a respectful way to ask questions and it is not through the making of assumptions this is true this is true I know little bit kind of just finished saying it's nobody's business but I'm gonna ask anyway does the slave identity the brat identity I would think would be conflicting how does that work for you guys so we balance it a lot of different ways one of the ways we balance it is he will let me know day-to-day based on what our schedule is how much time we have together etc if he's looking for a more high protocol or a less high protocol day it also serves really well to let me know what his capacity is for my bratting on any given day but there's also there are aspects of protocol that we always carry with us even when I'm being a brat there is expectations that are set one of my favorite examples is we have a protocol where instead of me walking behind him I walk to his left a step in front of him and this is twofold as his slave he says that he wants me in front because he wants to put his best foot forward and if I am being a slave at my best then I should be the best thing he's putting forward so as a slave that's very sweet and cute but also as a brat he's like no I need to be able to keep an eye on you it is not so mean have you behind me so there's little protocols like that where it is twofold and fits both of the structures that we're doing so there's little things built in like that another one is when I'm holding his hand he puts his thumb in front of mine and one of my favorite things to do on brat days because it doesn't bother anyone know and even notices it is just just slave my thumb out and stick it on top and be like he he I'm a charge now because I'm my thumbs on top and it just becomes a little thumb wrestling match that we can do like even walking through a vanilla place because no one's gonna think anything of it so for us it's been a lot of finding the balance between protocols and again it's that whole at the end of the day I'm always gonna vent to his will so even being a brat there are like coded phrases like little bit said we use if he gives me an order in Spanish that's when it's gone from a "haha I can mess with this" to a "oh no that's serious that's what we're doing now" and there's also another almost like red but kind of a social safe word built in so if he says the word "thorns" to me then I know oh we've gone too far rewind from that back so yeah there's a lot of little built-in protocols that not every brat dynamic has that I think serves us having a more structured MS relationship and the other thing we like to tell people because we identify as being in a 24/7 relationship and people have a lot of questions about how that works when we both have full-time schedules and I'm a full-time student and the way we explain it to people is no matter what I'm doing no matter how in charge of myself or my life I appear to be at the end of the day I walk through the world for him which makes that our sense like complete sense yeah I mean and as you were talking part of me was also thinking about the sense of a different class that I had taken which was discussion on Master and Slave and even it being a 24/7 several of the folks have said that was in this class including the educators and I forgive me I can't remember who it was I just remember this part of the class was that sometimes you know being strict high-protocol 24/7 can be exhausting on both sides of the slash so you need you need where things can bend and where things can be fun and you know for some and including in this discussion was for some you know they called it sassiness and I'm like sassiness brat it's kind of floating that same line you know do you see that as such of you know having that little you know having or knowing where those bending where that bending is and knowing where that is helps add to your master slave dynamic of you know being able to engage it longer and do different things and the success of it yes absolutely bratting this is I think definitely a moment of levity and I think the other thing that we both learn from brat play is that service can take on different fonts for different people if my master ever needs to break down and cry I offer the service of being a shoulder to cry on and I don't think that language would have occurred to us if we weren't already looking at what is service through the lens of being a brat so I think I've learned a lot from I've learned a lot about how to be a good brat and how to be good slave from doing the opposite dynamic I have something I want to read to you this is from a quote unquote kink education site okay it says the fuck is that oh yeah a brat tamer is one of those stupid titles that some idiot somewhere made up to fit into a space they didn't belong and it caught on with other like-minded idiots kind of like the whole brat title and just in case you've never heard my thoughts on brats brad is a state of being for someone already in a submissive role and not the name of the submissive role itself or a fucking title I'll say it again brats only started becoming a thing because and this is no immediate fence to yours here anyone's dynamic people who are new to this lifestyle didn't know that it's just a kink and no one corrected them set life made it a fucking option to gain more eyes in front of their advertisers the dominant partners these people wanted to have to have an excuse to not properly take care of their partners by letting them act like a complete twat the aforementioned dominant partners really have no clue to what being a dominant entails nor do there's submissive-ish partners yep how do you respond to all that I unfortunately it's a thing that I've heard sometimes said in my sir words sometimes said that specifically and I just don't fully understand that view point I think if you're talking about titles and identities and you're gonna say that brats are not a real title and identity it calls into question what that person views as an actual title or an actual identity like is master enslaved the only way you believe that can't can be done or do you believe that little or pets or any of those other like all of the different fat life and identities that exist now at like where and when do we draw the line and who gets to decide and that's always what I come back to is who gets to decide something I try to be really cognizant of is kink is an intergenerational community and there are a lot of people that have a lot of different reasons for having the opinions that they have and I've gotten to learn a lot about that in my time in the community so I have a lot more patience for that thought process than I used to but I also just wonder if you're gonna start policing my identity where and when do you draw the line at policing other people's and for me that means you're probably a less safe person in this community than I am for identifying the way I am like what is the worst that can happen if I brat people see a possibility that they didn't know before bottle to them but with someone who is sitting in community policing other people's identities where and when do we draw the line and who decides what is or isn't an appropriate dynamic so I don't really fuss about it anymore until it is a event producer or someone like that who doesn't want me in their space because of the way I play and then you've given me information about where I am safe or not safe to be in this community so it's less contentious for me than it used to feel but I also worry about what that viewpoint implies for their view of the community as a whole I always say in response to something like that if you don't like gay marriage don't get gay married and then they try to tell me we're not talking about sexual orientation I'm like okay you just not getting it if it's not for you don't do it if you don't like brats then don't play with them don't be in a relationship with them and go on your own happy way absolutely so I'm gonna throw at you some more misconceptions and I want to hear how you respond to that I would love to. Bratting is topping from bottom and that's bad. I have had a lot of conversations about that and it is absolutely a mistake that is on the list of mistakes I made early in my dynamic and this is something that actually became a huge point of attention before my master was identifying as my master because the idea that I was in control of the dynamic was something that led to him questioning his power which was not fun for me was not something either of us wanted was not a form of bratting but suddenly became a relationship issue because of that language so when I think about it I often think about that situation but bratting is still a form of kink if you are if you are a sub and you are being bratty at the end of the day you're still the sub if you are a bratty don't you're still the don um bratting doesn't change where you align in kink so for me when I hear the idea that bratting is topping from the bottom I say have you had conversations about your power structure and how you both want power to look in the dynamic and be exchanged or shared or whatever your authority transferred whatever dynamic words you're using have you had that conversation because if your brat thinks they are topping from the bottom have they explored if they want to be a dumb or is this just a higher level of bratting and they are not using the terms that would be ideal next misconception brats need to have bratty miss broken oh we're coming back to brat breaking now some people yes some people want brats to not be bratty anymore that's a fully valid form of play dynamic authority transfer if someone wants to break a brat and that brat wants to be broken fantastic consent to that love that for you but again brats can be trained you can teach brats to follow rules at different times and that brats can also just be handled and enjoyed as they are and you can meet them where they're at and they're silliness and have a good time I think I'm wary of any concept that is need to be X anything that says a kink dynamic needs to be done in a certain way I just don't agree with brats are only fun to play with not have relationships with I actually I do understand this because I'm kind of a pain in the ass I absolutely get it I hear it it's a common misconception for sure we are really fun to play with I'm glad they know that much no type of relationship is for every person like you said if you don't want to if you don't want a gay marriage don't get gay married some people want that as a constant aspect of relationship and some people don't I don't think it's any different from do you want to have a 24/7 dynamic or not like it's the same way you handle any kink some people don't want to be with a brat 24/7 and that's so valid but some people enjoy that element in their relationship and carry it forward 24/7 and that is a valid dynamic and choice too rats enjoy punishment too much to ever be disciplined that's again where I lean into the punishment versus punishment I think a lot of brats like the oh silly goofy this is a consequence I like but I think everyone has a consequence they don't like that isn't gonna violate their limits like for me I know my doms are serious when I have to sit down and write lines because I hate it I hate it so much but there's always gonna be something that can be an actual consequence I think some times people don't know how to create effective punishments or have had to have the conversation about like what is genuinely punishing or genuinely a consequence for you even masochists have a type of pain they don't want to play with most of the time for me it's canes for me if I see a cane come out I know I have actually done something wrong so I think brats like consequences because it's part of the play but I don't think brats are ungovernable because we like to see a consequence for our actions so the brats that are seeking out discipline why do you think that does it for them a lot of them are masochists there's another term a Sam smart ass masochist that gets conflated with brats a lot not all brats are Sam's not all Sam's are brats but I tend to describe it as brat play is a broader spectrum of behavior and smart ass masochism is a means to an end for masochistic delight and brat plays just the modality they're using to get it not every brat is bratting for the consequences some of us are bradding to learn something about ourselves some of us are bradding to be silly some of us are bradding because we're good at coming up with pranks so I think for the brats that are in it or the smart ass masochists depending on how you identify that are in it to get that there's a lot of ways to get it thank you I really like that answer and that has actually been the first clear concise I could follow it through answer of what's the difference between brats and smart ass masochists that I have ever heard so thank you very much for that yeah I thought a lot about that question because I've heard them get conflated a lot and not a lot of my bratting is necessarily directed at even getting masochism as a consequence so I had to really look to explore like okay so what is the terminology difference what other types of rats or rat adjacent roles are there oh goodness there is so I wrote one of the things I talk about is malicious compliance so someone that is following the rules to the excess rule the loyering someone that is following the letter of the law but not actually the rule itself I think about there's a children's book character called Amelia Bidelia and she was this maid that kind of lacked a little bit of comprehension and there was a scene where her master told her to draw him a bath and so she sat down and drew the bathtub so every time I think of rule lawyers that's the comes to my brain and then there's people that participate in like outright rule breaking like just a flatly ignore or do the opposite of what their dom said so I think there's a lot of ways to do brat play and to do brat dynamics and I think one of the reasons brat gets such a bad name is because people assume that this big umbrella is the problem when really they might have an issue with one or two of the behaviors or play types that are under this broader umbrella what advice would you give to somebody who is new to being a brat the big thing for me besides negotiation is understand what your rules really are both for yourself and for your dominant figure out what is actually important to either or both of you that is followed through on yeah just knowing the difference between what is silly and fun to both of you and where you actually want them to follow through I see a lot of people that are new to bratting almost violate their own limits because they want to make sure it's not okay with their dom if they push it too far and if you haven't had that conversation they don't know that that's what you're doing I'm someone that's definitely been guilty of that like let me show you my worst and make sure you can handle it but that really could have just been a conversation about like here's where I need you to stand firm in your boundaries and I read upon boundaries so I think knowing what your real rules are and having conversations about what feels good and what feels fun to both people is really important what kind of questions do you need to ask each other when setting up play setting up a relationship agreement with a brat I like to talk about punishments versus punishments and what they think warrants those I like to talk about the taming training breaking thing like is my Braddiness something you want me to lose or is this something you want to have fun engaging with or is it an onigan off again flip the switch what's your why like what is the reason you're choosing to engage in brat play choosing to be a brat I think is a big question one of the best questions I've ever seen in kink in general on a kink negotiation sheet was what is kink to you is it a hobby is it an identity is it a 24/7 dynamic is it a relationship style and I ask that a lot like what is it you want and what does kink mean to you I think are really useful questions to start negotiating any dynamic especially a bratty dynamic before you do the bratty thing whatever that might be if you're out in public not public public but the dungeon public what kind of things do you need to consider if it's an appropriate time to be bratting again implications of respect is a big one is it going to intrude on other scenes or other people's evenings I think is a big one considering your dawn's capacity is a big one I think it's a lot easier when we're talking about physical play modalities like oh I hurt my wrist today so we can't do that vlogging scene tonight having those conversations of I had a really hard day at work I cannot with your antics right now let's find something else to do is I think a I think a lot of psychological elements of play struggle sometimes with people naming those discomforts or needs for breaks so I think that's a huge one for me gotcha what's the bratty is thing you've ever done oh my goodness that depends on who you ask but two stories came to mind when you said it one is one that ended well and one is one that ended badly the one that ended well was my master and I have a very set structure of how we do tea service and we do a very elaborate tea ritual with the way I make tea and the way I present the tea and all of that and one day I made two cups of tea and I sugar and prepared one correctly and I put the correct amount of salt in the other one and I recorded a video I recorded a video of he thought I was filming our tea service but I recorded a video of me bringing him a cup of salted tea that was really fun and I had the other tea ready because again I am still a slave I and also I am a brat with self-preservation so the other cup of tea was still very important thing to know like do you have self-preservation as a brat or not really and we're just gonna wing it and see you know do I go into down to you know dumpster fire flames type thing like am I really ready to accept the consequences of my act completely fair for sure the other one that did not go over so well I had a couple of friends that were navigating the creation of their dynamic and they had kind of agreed on a daddy princess style dynamic and she is firmly not a brat she is one of the most prim and proper little princesses I know but I have some photo manipulation skills so I sent her some texts and I cropped and edited the texts and the answers to make it look like she was considering a really big bratty ploy at an event we were all going to that weekend and I almost ended their dynamic before it started because that was not something they had negotiated so when he saw the screenshot of the supposed text conversation it was almost a huge problem because that was not something they had negotiated so yeah think it's going really well things go really badly and again what are rules what are other people's boundaries when are you interfering in other people's spaces when is that okay and where is the lines between yes I've braided in front of these people and these people have seen me get consequences for braiding but now it's directly impacting them and yeah that's a thing we hadn't negotiated or consented to so that was a lot of heavy conversations not just with my dawn but also with community friends and I think that's really important to know and to have too but yeah two of the biggest bratty things I've done pros and cons it's good to know about definitely well and the from just your in speaking and sharing with your story well experience the rectifying of your actions you know lots of conversation when when braiding has gone too far you I know that there are some people who don't but you you sound and so it sounds as if you know it was a very big thing and important for you not just as an individual but as a community member to be like okay I screwed up but how do I fix this and make the events and making amends and also holding space to acknowledge that you fucked up and know that like you made a mistake and how do we collectively move forward I think like you said it is not just a lesson as a person but a lesson as a community member I took a lot of my knowledge about how to share space and be a good public brat from that event and just figuring out what does it mean to make amends beyond just even getting a punishment is something that came out of that situation too so it was a really valuable experience for everyone involved obviously I wish I hadn't played out the way it did but it's so important as a skill set and if people can learn from other people's mistakes without having to do it themselves you know of course sure but thank you before we wrap up and get move on to the part of the show we like to call inside the Kingster studio is there anything else on Bratz you would like to share I think we've touched on all of my big points but I will say if there are any Bratz listening that want to share or exchange ideas my vet is his purple rose and I love to talk to other Bratz and I love to scheme and I love to daydream and I love to think of ideas so if you want to reach out about having this class taught at a space near you or just talk about bratty ideas I'm always so happy to share space with other Bratz because teaching this class is one of the only times that I really get to be in a space with a lot of Bratz so I'm delighted when I can build more bratty connections because I think community specific events are so valuable and I see events for pets and I see events for littles but Bratz don't often get their own space so anytime I can create bratty connections I love that so please reach out please make connections with Bratz please find your Bratz community because it is something that's valuable and helpful and insightful and I will put your contact info in the show notes for everybody yay thank you so much all right moving on to the part of the show that we like to get to know you just a little bit better in our own fun unique way called Inside the Kingston Studio are you game I'm ready what's your favorite toy in your toy bag oh see it varies based on partners when I'm playing with my sub we have a metal grill brush and my sub likes a little bit of blood play so that's really really fun with them I have a what's the word I'm trying to use flogger there we go a leather rose flogger that I love using with my master and if it's the name and the branding so that's fun and cute and then with my other dominant we do a lot of cigarette and ash tray play and he makes me carry the cigarettes around as part of my service so with each of them it's kind of a different experience very cool thank you what is the worst fashion decision you've ever made oh my gosh I know exactly what it is too because I saw the picture the other day I identify as non-binary and pronoun neutral and when I was exploring what being non-binary meant to me and started mixing I am a sign female at birth so when I started mixing put on what male clothes into my repertoire I made a lot of really strong and wrong decisions and one of my favorites is there's a picture of me in black and white checkered shorts but they're like sweat shorts and black and white suspenders and a red button up that I just inexplicably decided went together and sweats and button-ups don't go together and they don't use the spenders at it either you auditioning for a scaband I don't know what I was going through actually but there is in fact a picture of it and I wish there was I mean completely valid and fair this is why I'm a child of the eighties because there's a whole bunch of like you know bad decisions that those pictures got burned and nobody's ever gonna see yeah they didn't have to be adopted social media and digital pictures left to do oh what something surprising you've learned about yourself on your kink journey oh my gosh everything I tell people as a disclaimer in a lot of my classes that I started into kink too young and I started kink chronically online with other people that were chronically online and my whole journey and evolution in the kink community has shocked me because I didn't ever think it would become such a thing in my life I thought it was just a silly goofy thing me and my friends did because we were pent-up teenagers and now I am on a podcast and there was a month where I taught at I taught a class every weekend and I have a mentorship with a wonderful human being and there's so much of my life now that revolves around this aspect of my identity that I didn't even know what exists so I've loved getting to come into identity and self and community and there's so much I've learned by getting to be in this community and I tell people all the time that I'm so grateful for the language that being kinky has provided me and the same way I'm grateful that being Polly has provided me this language too I just have a whole different set of words to describe my emotions and life experiences and identities that vanilla people don't get to have and that's so that's such a blessing if you had to eat a crayon what color are you eating and why? ooh okay this is funny because I have a conversation in my family a lot about what color looks the most likable this came up one year when we were decorating Christmas cookies and we talk about it often still um goodness I think probably like it's a discontinued crayon but the golden dandelion one looks relatively safe I think others kind of flagged like poisonous plants and poisonous flowers yellow is pretty neutrally edible and most were talking about yellow snow depends upon your king yes this is true I mean this is true water sports is this can be a thing I am I love learning new ideas that never look at me that is I have some people that will be fascinated get that concept yellow snow slushies are good for water sports I'm gonna say not so good for braiding I'm listen that is also a way that I took it but I don't think my thumbs would be used if they knew that if your thumbs are into water sports or not those two are fair but that's almost more reason what's the best compliment you've ever received on your journey? my polycule recently taught together for the first time and we taught a class on polyamorous power dynamics and how we balance the power hierarchy and throughout that con we got compliments on that class but I think the best compliment was that people could feel and see the way we loved each other and how they're for each other we were and the community of partners that I have was cultivated completely out of kink all of my relationships our relationships that came from were rebuilt by the kink community so hearing that our community saw us in that way was yeah really delightful I'm kind of life changing for me because the community built those relationships so to see that they are seen in that way was so special that is awesome thank you for sharing that ginger or mariana it's been so long pass it's been so long since I saw and that's all right well then a maricator Ashley I don't think you can split up twins I'll put you down for three some that cool I mean oh what is the most useless skill you possess oh goodness as a child my parents signed me up for a ton of different random free classes at the rec center to keep me entertained so I can both ty balloon animals and do stylistic jump roping and both of those don't come in handy in the kink community balloon animals actually did come up as useful because I have met clown players and that's become useful but for a long time stylized jump rope and balloon animals were the most random unnecessary skills in my referendum I mean at most kick events they had the you know the buckets of condoms I could see how the blue animals get come in handy there that'd be fun okay there's more bratty to be honest now I'm just getting all kinds of I mean what's the balloon animal made out of a condom I mean all of us would yeah yeah that would be so fun careful they're slick full of loob hey this poodle is ripped for my pleasure oh no no condoms are actually pretty hard I think condoms are harder to pop than the stupid balloons you use for balloon animals no no not a bad idea actually starting tomorrow your nipples are gonna taste like Doritos classical nacho cheese or cool ranch for my own preference cool ranch but that would be a question for my dogs maybe one of each would be compatible final two questions final two yeah all right let's do it what's your favorite curse word I think probably fuck just because it has a lot of utility there's so many different situations where what the fuck why the fuck how the fuck and so many different tones where it applies I like a multi purpose word yes all right and then my favorite question to ask if you had to have sex with one muppet which muppet would it be in life um I think my landing was on animal just I like the potential of primal play that comes out there and he's already on a chain which is pretty cool one of the funniest sentences I've ever heard my master say is I know Gonzo would treat you actually knowing somebody whose name is Gonzo I'm gonna go with yes well thank you for being here on the synagogue you've been a great guest talking to us today about brets for listeners upcoming synagogue in person in virtual classes on a bratty daddy's electric mayhem on something else that I can't think of right now coming up check our website for all the details but that's it that's our show say goodnight little bit goodnight little bit